Things I've learned from the movies #2

I realize that one of my biggest influence is the movies I have watched, and I thought I'd share a bit more of that.
Susan Sarandon is a brilliant actress, and I can quote many moments from her career. I dont follow her personal life or politics, but her characters are all great. The best ones are strong women, strength I admire and try to embody.

Ealier this week I was watching (got sucked into) "Shall we Dance" (for the fourth time). There's a scene where Beverly talks about marriage. This is a great speech as far as movie speeches go. I love the sentiment.

In "Thelma and Louise", Louise's motto is "you get what you settle for" and she's exactly right.

And in "Banger Sisters" (Goldie Hawn's) Suzette talks about Lavinia dancing, her kids laugh "But she's a terrible dancer" and she says something to the effect of That's what was so great, she didnt care what anyone else thought.
Fictional or not, that's the only way to dance. The only way to do anything, especially something you love.

Things I've learned from the movies #1

I never truly appreciated how much Anne of Green Gables shaped my life till I watched it again recently. Its been a few years since I watched it beginning to end. And yes, I have read the books. But I've spent much, much more time with the film. I can still recite it line for line as I watch, which I did not do for the benefit of friends with me. I know every scene, and the really weird part is most of them I have somehow incorporated into my world. I wont disect the whole movie, but here's what stood out;

-Movie introduction was my introduction to The Lady of Shallot, and followed with The Highway Man, and other literary pieces I love.

-Melodramatic grand statements? Check.

- Belief in a bosom friend, Check.

- Belief in kindred spirits, Check.

-Avoiding "putting on airs" and the judgemental, fake Josie's of the world.

- My Grandma is similar in many ways to Marilla, and I used to spend summers on her farm. This only encouraged my identifying with Anne.

- Being "Smart rather than pretty", and that being better.

- Romantic Ideals of love, Big Time Check.

I mean really, Gilbert? Captain Harris? Gilbert? C'mon. More on this later.

There is not one scene that I can't find a line imprinted on who I am. Formative years of my youth for sure. Anne's loneliness, imaginativeness, and eventual happiness where how I saw myself becoming an adult. Ofcourse, that makes sense when you are 12.

Or 14. Or 16. Um 31?

Tooth Fairy

OK, I dont have kids, and I steer away from the Mom talk, but my bestest friend told me a story about her little boy (my nephew for all intensive purposes) that I'm going to share because I think it is so entertaining. I may be biased.
So my bestest friend forgot to put anything under her 6 year olds pillow for the tooth fairy. So that night she had to correct the situation. She wrote a very nice apology, and put the note and $2 in an envelope. Wanting to add glitter, but not having any on hand she added some sparkly eye shadow powder. The next morning her little guy wakes up, opens the envelope and in a voice filled with amazement says "Fairy Dust!" After having watched Peter Pan numerous times, and the newly released Tinkerbell movie, he was convinced she had left him fairy dust. He scooped it onto his head and ran down the hallway crying "I can fly, I can fly!"
Ah, the sweet image from her story makes me laugh out loud, and then smile at his innocence.

Insight

I was chatting with my bestest friend and she made the comment that I seem to tie too much importance on where I am. Because she is my bestest friend, I gave this some thought. I have concluded that perhaps she is right. That if I set my mind to it, I could be happy where ever I am. Following that, I can make excuses to be unhappy anywhere. There's a frightening thought. I once heard Oprah say that she used to use her weight as an excuse, like "I'm too fat to..." and not try because of the assumed future failure. Really, you can insert any number of excuses into that sentence. "I'm too ... to ..." so dont even try.
I worry about being too uneducated, too untalented, too broke ass to make a go of anything.
This, ofcourse leads me to a movie quote. There's a scene in Heart and Souls (Robert Downey, Jr. - brilliant) where Charles Grodin's character is chickening out of literally his last moment to shine and Robert Downey Jr. turns to him and says (paraphrasing) "The reason you have failed is because you never tried." That could be me! Ah!
I talk a big game but after eating chocolate while playing on facebook I realized, success and I do not seem to be on the same page.
But all is not lost. Save the unforseen illness or bus accident, I can look forward to tomorrow as a new day to try again.
I will still be planning things to do in my soon to be found perfect future. But that doesnt mean I cant have part of perfect right now. I still have (perfect) me (heehee) either way.

Yay!

Diva thinks MY blog is excellent!!! This award originated over at JavaQueen where she says: "I hope you do as I have, and pass it on to all the people you know with an excellent blog- to let them know how much their words have touched you and made a difference in your life."

Thank you Diva! This is so cool to me.

And now I pass it on to,

TheLuckyNest

FourLeafClover

Jamesk

LurkingRhythmically

Dating MissAdventures

I love reading all your writings!

November Already?

October seems to have flown by. This leads me to panic about the upcoming move in an I-can't-possibly-be ready-in-time way. Just making excuses to talk myself out of trying. I'm not doing that this time.
My self confidence seems to have taken a beating as of late. No one thing in particular, but I need to stop this slide in its tracks. I love the self help theory that you should fake confidence till you feel it. Also works for happiness, although it can be taken too far. Its like using visualizations (another brilliant device) to fool your mind out of a slump and get you where you want to be.
I once had a boss who asked "Tell me how you are, and make it something good" which I think is a nice way of helping find a positive mindset. A little bitch session never hurt anyone, but then its refreshing to try optimism.
I simply cannot focus on my unhappiness here. Its overwhelming. So I'm going to use my humour if I cannot find the good. Atleast I find me amusing, and that should be entertainment enough for now.

Nothing to write home about

Feeling generally mopey and detached these days. Part just the glum of winter, part my life in stasis. I can't seem to catch up with friends I used to talk to often, and am feeling left out. I dont want things to change. Not between me and them. Job, events, locations, sure, but not friendship. I want to call them, but then I feel like I'm leaning too hard. Even a strong friendship can support only so much. I want to call with good news, something new, but those stories are few and far between. I want to keep current with my friends because falling behind feels like falling out of their lives.
Interesting moment yesterday when I got cheered up by random conversation with aquaintance. This is how starved I've become for contact.
Really, I should stop looking back so I can see what is ahead. Or here.
But I miss it all so much.

Distracted

Google Game Idea taken from FourLeafClover

Put my name followed by "needs" and search google. One definate way to put it out there to the universe. Here goes.

Was totally set to play this game and maybe indulge in a little pity party. Some balloons, streamers, confetti, possibly cake.

Then the first of "my" needs came up as part of a school project on cultural exchange. The second was a child looking for a foster parent. I feel silly being whiny when there is such a big world with so many other things going on. I know my problems are big to me because they are mine, but sometimes I need to see a bigger picture.

If I want to have a positive influence in this world, then I need to do as the list instructed further down. Examples;
"Needs to find something to do tonight to keep her mind occupied..."
"Needs encouragement..."

AND MY ALL TIME FAVORITE,

"Needs a good kick in the ass."

Thank you universe.

Booty Call?

Last night shortly after midnight I got a text from an ex-lover. Normally no biggie, because we're transitioning into friends. But his intention was not friendly last night. And he's been hard to contact for the last little while. Which because he'd started seeing someone new, I expected. Not as distant as he's become, but some distance, sure.
He told me he thought to contact me after another friend reminded him of a story with me. A woman he'd been talking to since a reasonable hour.
I realize jealousy has no place in friendship, and I'm trying not to overreact. Honestly though, I feel taken for granted. Like he can just blow me off and then pick me back up again when he deems me worthy.
I'm actually insulted that I'm not important enough to him to be more than ego boost when needed. Maybe I set the ground rules too lax in our conversations. Maybe I'm reading too much into a passing comment. Maybe I dont care, because I'm hurt and I dont want to stifle that to apease someone else.

Reel life

And you thought at the end of the month I would fall away and never be heard from again. Haha!

A few years ago I went through a depressed phase. I dont know if I was actually depressed, but my actions seemed to imply it. No one needs 22 hours of sleep a day. Anyway.

In that time I pulled away from friends, family, life basically. Even books. Instead I substituted my life for a vicarious one through the screen. My best "friends" became the characters in my favorite TV shows, or faces in a film. I was so lonely and lost I fully embraced the reassuring and idealistic "reel world", as opposed to the harsh real world. It is a safe, comfortable place, with few suprises, and any harshness "isnt real anyway". This is part of the reason friends tease me about ideals , sort of as a concerned and gentle reminder to push myself out of that bubble.

I do believe everything happens for a reason. I hope to never fall back into that hole. I made changes, and continue to do. I once read that obsession is when you would chose a habit over an experience. I love CSI, but I no longer chose it over dinner with friends.

I still love my reel world though. I miss it if I stay away too long. OK, that sounded totally crazy. Let me see if I can explain. Its more like a hobby, now. Some people scrapbook, - I've tried, I cannot - or fish, - also a no go - or what have you. I love a story. Even how it all comes together. I am putting this to better use these days though. Last year I directed an act in a series of plays. And I'm always writing, and I intend to test it out on others. Not quite yet though.

Now instead of a sad place my reel life is hopeful and ambitious. It has always been my passion, and I want to channel that. I love the idealistic bubble, but I want to include more people in, not simply burst it. I dont expect it to ever be more than a hobby. I'd like to be part of a blockbuster, everyone likes to be appreciated, but it's not how I define success. Finding a way to do something I love, even just on the side, is success enough. Blending my reel life into my real life feels like success already.

Facebook, you temptation.

I will admit, I am a facebook addict. I think it is brilliant. And so very convenient. I love pretty much everything about it. This is how I lose hours of my life to reading status updates and clicking through photos. Facebook is the best way to reconnect with old friends and stay connected with current ones.
Having said that, I am finding I am losing a lot of productive time as well. I dont want to off anyone from my friend list, I want to keep them all. I dont need to keep up with aquaintances in quite the same way though. So I think I'm going to try something new. Less facebook and more actual life. "Oh no" you say, "That's crazy talk." No, no, they will all still be connected, like that address book you havent updated since high school. Except, now a move doesnt mean someone is lost. Instead of guessing at a situation from a nondescript status, I'm going to have a conversation with a friend about what is going on to be part of life. Theirs and mine. Schedules do still conflict so I will use email to converse with time strapped friends, not snoop through photos to catch up. I'm not signing off forever, and I will come back to update.
I'm just taking a facebreak.

The Redneck King

I've been thinking about writing this for a bit. I'm never comfortable getting personal. Still in my head, so on my last day of everyday blog, I'm going to share.


This time last year I was falling. I met the Redneck King - so called because he is the alpha of his redneck friends - through friends. I'm not still wrapped up in it, so I dont want to rehash the details because that would hurt. Lets just say I shared something with him, and he turned out not to be who I thought he was. I wish I could say he meant nothing to me. I know I mean nothing to him. Sometimes that is still hard to wrap my head around. Occasionally, less and less as time goes on, I find myself imagining future conversations we'll have when he calls me. He's not going to call.
He suprised me by being what I didnt know I wanted. I have high standards, friends often tease me about not giving anyone a chance. He didnt fit my ideal, previously discussed in photos. He wasnt academic, but he was smart, and extremely people smart. He wasnt a musician, but he loved music and had this amazing voice when he sang. He made me laugh and made me feel at ease. He still is all these things.
He also completely disrespected me. I reacted by assuming it was a mistake he would soon correct. A part of me wishes I could go back and call him on his bullshit. It wouldnt change anything. I dont want to be with who he actually is.
Just, sometimes I still miss the possibility he didnt want. The what could have been seemed like a fun place.

Head space

Wishing this was in my reality

Cool

I was thinking about high school today when one of my classmates walked in. I love when life is like that. Like when I first heard about voluntourism online, and then the next two magazines I came across and Oprah featured the topic. I am off topic.

I was never cool in high school. I had good friends, so I wasn't a total social outcast, but there were parties I just wasn't invited to. The girl who came in the store was exactly as cool now as she was then. By cool I mean; trendy, so fashion cool, and also nice, so personality cool. And she had a moment where she became self conscious and said I probably didn't remember who she was. We had choir for two years, yes I remember you.

It's funny, to me, how high school can haunt you. I used to think of all the popular kids as one dimensional cutouts of the other. A few actually are. But for the most part, because I didn't have classes with them (or talk to them in class) and didn't party with them, I didn't really know them. We just didn't travel in the same circles. I used to hate the idea of becoming friends with any of "them" (cool kids) because I thought "If I wasn't good enough to be friends with then, why would I care to be friends with them now?" Looking at my yearbook I realized there are a lot of people in my graduating class I've never had a conversation with. That doesn't mean I shouldn't.

When you are in high school everything is the be all and end all of existence. To a certain extent I think that is true. The labels stick in your subconscious. Acceptance would have been nice, but I never set out to be popular. I never had hockey and drinking and hookups as common interests. Plus I was waaayy too shy. I didn't wave my freak flag as proudly as I do now. I just wanted to get through as under the radar as possible. To the people who knew me then I will always be that choir nerd. They will always be who they were in my mind too.

Once you are out of school though, there are very few opportunities to be judged by a large group of your peers. And your peer group changes from same age, same grade to common career, common hobby, common life. If you are lucky you find commonality.

I think everyone is a geek. Not in a demeaning way, but everyone has something they "geek out" about. It may not be mainstream, but even if it is, doesn't make you any less of a geek. "Geeking out" just means you are passionate about something. I hear people all the time apologizing for being themselves. "I'm such a geek but I just love..." you probably aren't the only one. They just didn't want to say so incase it wasn't cool.

I have so had this day

This artist is hilarious and has a novel, if you like this check out "Nothing Nice to Say" and/or "My Stupid Life" by Mitch Clem, or go here

Virtuoso

Tonight I went to this violin (and piano) concert of beautiful and interesting music. It's been too long since I've heard live music of this calibre. I could feel all my musical training perking up, dusting itself off and coming to focus. Like a book that challenges your mind, this challenged my ears. There is a great sense of belonging I have with music. It belongs with everyone, but with music I always belong. As an audience member, performing, or even disussing, I never feel out of place with music, or musical people. It's more than an old friend, it's like an integral piece of my being. Especially my well being.

Something Fun

Still new to this whole bloggosphere, and with a small reader base, I'm just going to put this out there. Ok, I'm not sure how Meme's work. Is there an ultimate source page for them, where do they ultimately come from? I'm guessing imaginations not unlike mine. Are there topic rules/guidelines? I dont know. I love all things meme, I want to start one. Maybe its not called meme if you start it. I should goggle this. Maybe wikipedia. Definately setting up the "I am uninformed" flag, should the more knowledgeable descend. Having said this, and recently discovered how to insert pictures I present my idea for you to copy and fill in the blanks.

Top Criteria for Ideal Mate: In Picture Form

Not gender or otherwise specific, and not limited in number of choices.
Everyone has criteria, not anything set in stone and sometimes you get suprised by someone who fits in a way you never thought about. I have a friend who always goes for the white trash, Kid Rock, Eminem, guys from tattoo shows, that's her.
Diva, you (and others like you) may just post a random sampling of pictures of your hubby, but you must be specific as to how he fits your ideal.
If this finds you too broken hearted to think about present and futures or simply brings up the past, then set you as your ideal mate, and conjure all the things you like best about you. Or do both.
I am shallow and am pulling from Hollywood images. I leave it open to your own interpretation, just please tag it back to me so I can join your fun. Yes, its terribly immature, but its for fun. That's it, that's the whole thing.
Oh, wait, yes, here's mine.

In ever changing order of importance, I look for,

SMART; Well read, articulate, aware of the world around him.

MUSICAL; Music is a huge part of my life and its so attractive when he shares that.

FUNNY; A quick wit that makes me laugh.

POLISHED; Well groomed, with a sense of etiquette.

MACHO, MACHO MAN; There's something to be said for masculine.

AMBITIOUS; If not successful, atleast want it.

I'll find a pic to go with this, that is not Donald Trump, as he is currently in my head. Not a politician either. Too slick.

This took much longer than I thought. Not the simple game I thought it would be. Play if you want, but be warned.

99 more days

In the spirit of honesty I'll say I fell off the wagon this morning. And again this afternoon. Lets move on.

I've counted it out and I have 99 more days till I move. Seems cold to be counting down like I'm waiting to escape. The good parts of here are always in my life wherever I am though. I don't need to physically be here to have a laugh with my Dad. Or to hear how much my Gram loves me and tell her the same. They're only ever a phone call away.

I think of it like being under a giant comforter. Its warm and feels safe. You also can't see what's out there. And when you finally fold it back, there's that first breath of oxygen. It may be colder but it feels like freedom. Like something you needed and didnt even know you were missing.

I'm looking forward to breathing it all in.

Another day

Made it through today with no chocolate. Not an especially trying day, but a craving heavy day for some reason. Fate seemed to conspire with me in a very odd twist. The chocolate I wanted was sold out, and when I decided (after serious consideration) on an appropriate substitute, my Dad walked in the store. I cannot break my own rule in front of him as I have told him about it, and was thereby prohibited from indulging. Feeling closer to health than not, if a tipping scale is not too much as an illusion.

Storm clouds

Being alone is sitting fine with me today. Better than dissapointment. I'm so far behind on the marriage and kids bus its not worth trying to catch up. Even if I did want it. So alone it is. Better to be alone and happy than attached and miserable.
Really stomping my inner optimist today. She's all happy and positive and chipper and I want to punch her in the face. Everything is shit now, and will continue to be for the forseeable future. I know, she's rallying, "put positivity out and the universe will bring it to you" and I say bullshit. Continue to believe that and the universe will test your resolve. Hope springs eternally to get stomped. I dont want to wish for anything anymore. Following that I'll be genuinely suprised if good actually happens.
OK, now I should become a recluse.
I have a pretty great life, family to rely on, good health, all the basics on the heirarchy of needs. I try to not take that for granted. I appreciate that there are people in the world with real problems. I'm just frustrated with uncertainty in this moment. Not just love, but finances, and dreams and a five year plan that is 15 years off course. I feel derailed, and I'm not sure how to get back on course or even which track is right when I do. I want to feel in control, not just reacting to the moment. I need to focus.

Project number one

I missed a day in my blog everyday plan. OK, two. Not dwelling, moving on and getting back into the groove.
I spent today cleaning. Attacked the kitchen full force. My mom is not very much of a housekeeper and no one else has the ability to reach into cupboards and I just couldn't stand it anymore. I emptied shelves and cupboards, cleaning and organizing, washed walls, basic cleaning standards. I'm trying to have empathy for how it must be to have someone come in and do that to my kitchen for my mom's ungrateful response to my hard work. I'm tired of always having to see it from her side.
I have two characteristics that I always use when with my family. One is a built up ability not to see the mess that surrounds me. It is their house and their things, and if this is how they choose to live, so be it. The other is I am extremely forgiving. Not in a saintly way, but I dont hold on to grudges, I dont get mad easily and I dont stay mad long. This is one of the best qualities I have from my Dad and I hope I always keep this in common. Some may say, then you are a doormat. I have been, at times, yes. But I have more self confidence now to stand up for myself. I'm not interested in holding on to anger all the time.
My mom and I have always had a difficult relationship. This is not all her fault. But it is not all mine either. I'm tired of knocking at the door for her attention, and getting a bruised hand for my efforts. I simply accept that we are not going to have the close relationship I envy of others. I love her very much, and I would really love for her to open that door.

Triumphant Return

I wish everyday was as fun as this

29 Things

Meme taken from the always lovely Diva

• What is your occupation right now? Clerk, and, let's go with general labourer
• What color are your socks right now? The socks I had on earlier were navy and fuzzy. Wondering why I took them off actually.
• What are you listening to right now? Music in my head. Some sort of dance track mix combo. Its good.
• What was the last thing that you ate? Zucchini and broccoli, brown rice and prawns.
• Do you drive a stick shift? Quite well if I say so myself.
• Last person you spoke to on the phone? My sis.
• Do you like the person who sent this to you? Pretend that says do you like who you got this from, Yes, one of my oldest and best friends. Encouraged my blogging :)
• How old are you today? 30. Ah!
• What is your favorite sport to watch on TV? Figure skating. Its a sport.
• What is your favorite drink? Grape Crush. Good with or without ice cream. Also I love fruity girly drinks, but not involving tequila. Daquari yes, margarita no. Paralyzers.
• Have you ever dyed your hair? Yes, but I've given up trying to get rid of the red.
• Favorite food? I'm a total foodie, but here's the short list, sushi, shishkebabs, the perfect steak, and especially anything breakfast, waffles, crepes, eggs, hasbrowns, bacon, if there's a possibility of syryp I'm there.
• What is the last movie you watched? That I liked? Penelope.
• Favorite day of the year? January 1st. Follows Christmas/Birthday/New Years gauntlet.
• How do you vent anger? Sarcasm.
• What was your favorite toy as a child? Grover
• What is your favorite season? Summer. Long days of sunshine and feeling they'll last.
• Cherries or Blueberries? Cherries
• Living arrangements? With parents and maternal grandmother.
• When was the last time you cried? The last time I really thought about the reality of the situation.
• What is on the floor of your closet? A lot of things that aren't mine, like an accordian (you can ask, I dont know) and my suitcases.
• What did you do last night? Same thing we do every night Pinky. TV, facebook, blog, bed. Exception of the new good tv.
• What are you most afraid of? Losing those I care about. Never finding love. Woah, deep.
• Plain, cheese, or spicy hamburgers? Ah, cheeseburger from McD's. Otherwise not a big fan of the burger.
• Favorite dog breed? Mine.
• Favorite day of the week? Monday. Starts the week fresh.
• How many states have you lived in? Clearly American, I've only lived in one province, how dull.
• Pearls or diamonds? Really, who would pick pearls? Although after I watched Blood Diamond I no longer wanted any precious stone. And mining? I may just opt for a tattoo. Oh, who am I kidding. I want a big rock.
• What is your favorite flower? Tulips

Where is the money tree?

Earlier this summer I was standing with my Dad in an office of an aquaintance of his, a business(car sales)man. They were discussing poor spending of the next generation (indirectly, but not pointedly, me)and how none of "these kids today" have any fiscal sense. That in order to buy a home they have to have the deposit given to them.
More recently I was discussing how business values have changed. It used to be that you were rewarded for loyalty if not hard work. Get in with the right company and they'll take care of you. Nowadays more often then not though, everyone is looking out for number one. Putting all your eggs in one basket seems smart, inless that basket is forestry, car manufacturing, and the like. Working at a big grocery chain used to be a good job. A good union job. The benefits flowed from the top. Now the benefits are still at the top, but the new contract barely rewards loyalty. Competing against wage hourders like Walmart drive competition, but good thing, because where else wil you be able to afford to shop on pennies an hour.
Looking at career options, education is sold as the be all to end all. Maybe if you aim for a trade. A self employable trade.
I'm not saying it isn't possible to build equity in this day and age. I'm just tired of being sold "the good life" that is so far in my future I may never reach it.

Oddly Thrilling

Ok, so I cant figure out how to embed the link, so you'll have to follow it, but trust me, its worth it.

Prison Thriller

Not in the mood

Really dont even want to write tonight, but I'm sticking to my guns.
Just so tired of other people's bullshit. I'm trapped and lonely in this absurd place, half way gone and not moving forward. Time is leaving me behind. I miss my life terribly. And I worry when I move that it will only be dissapointment. Emailed film guy and his response is my happy thought at the moment. Otherwise I'm left dealing with family politics. Mostly a never ending passive aggressive fight with my mom. I get angry when she tries to feign interest in my life, because she has no interest in my life. Why bother starting now. I cannot wait to get out. We could be taking this time to hang out and become friends as adults but she would rather play childish games. You want to know why we have no relationship Mom? You, are why we have no relationship. Why we have never had a relationship. Why I vow to do everything in my power to not do the same with my children, should I have any.

Same old places, new again

Spent this weekend having conversations with people who for various reasons have fallen back into my life. It was really nice, and I dont think that it would be this good if I hadn't changed in the interim. I am able now to put my trust in them, where as I wouldn't have before. I am enjoying having faith in people, and friendship. I spent part of the day catching up with a friend I grew apart from for reasons neither of us could recall. I confided as I would have in our youth, and I never felt like I might be burdening her with my problems, but that I was letting her back into my life and the admissions renewed a closeness in our friendship. I spent the evening chatting with my oldest friend, the friend I've had the most drama with, and yet could genuinely enjoy catching up and having her be in my life and being part of hers. I love having friends I can pick back up with like I saw them yesterday, whether it was yesterday, or a longer time. I love being friends with people who know where I'm from, whether its the actual place, or a value set like my friends from church. I am confident enough in myself to know that I will never stand for the bullshit I've put up with in the past. Finding childhood friends as an adult means finding the adult in my childhood friend. That knowledge allows me to truly enjoy these friends.

YW

Hung out wih some old friends today. Was nice to laugh in the same places again. Bittersweet because there is a distance that has developed between us as we've grown up and apart it seems. I wish I didn't see it. Getting back a closeness seems so far away. But the trip is worth it I think.

Ah!

So I asked noncrush to hang out! Ah!
Yes, melodrama, but, this is big news for me.
Earlier today he was in (the store I work in) and we were talking and he said he got to see the ultrasound. Excuse me? So exciting for him, but bummer for me. He came in later and was chatting about not having a social life and I said "Except for your girlfriend, wife type" and he said "I dont have either" so, why do you have an ultrasound? Apparently from a one night stand, and they are trying to remain friends. Then he just hung out chatting for a while, so eventually I said "You know, we both have no social life in common, maybe we should hang out?" And he said yeah, which was excellent, because the second the words left my mouth I kinda couldn't breathe. He said where he lived, very close, and that I should stop by. I said "I dont think I'll just be coming over to hang out" at random stranger's place, he said "Sure, lots of people do." So I said sure, or something to that effect, and he tilted his head and gave me a big smile.
Not desperate enough to go, or looking for the kind of friend who just hang out, late at night...but segue into coffe sometime would be ok. Should have given my number but I feel I've done enough for today.

Day 11 of Everyday Plan

I have stolen, er, borrowed this meme from the wonderful Diva.

1. What was I doing ten years ago? September, 1998, I was starting my second year university, thinking about getting a puppy, about to live in my own place on my own for the first time. The future was bright and full of promise.

2. What are five things on my list to do today? Er, its 11:20, so I'll make the list for tomorrow, Paint wood for rails, clean bathroom, put away dishes, go to work, ask customer noncrush out - if he comes in.

3. Snacks I enjoy? Anything sugary sweet, like skittles, and oh, individually wrapped caramels. Graham crackers with cream cheese and jam. Yum.

4. Things I Would Do If I Were A Billionaire? Anything I wanted. Who can stop me? Oh yeah, the tax department. I would take care of my family and friends, buy all the luxury items, invest to ensure I never had to work again, spend time voluntouring, and donate to the many great causes I believe in.

5. Three of my bad habits? Selfishness, procrastination, Overly mean sarcasm.

6. Five places I have lived?Parents, basement suite, apartment, duplex, house.

7. Five jobs I’ve had? Parcel Delivery Driver, Food Market, Clerk, Secretary, Tim Hortons.

8. How did you name your blog? I used my initials and thought I was terribly clever. Get it, KLR Thinking, can sound out like Clear Thinking - which I hope to one day have.

Vikings

I have friends who plough through relationships at record speed. They meet someone, and the next time I talk to them its someone new. They never get bogged down long or attached. Rejection rarely slows them down, and they dish it out far more often. They're like the frickin Vikings of the dating world, conquer and move on. I want this attitude. Just for the first get to know you phase. I am capable of attachment, I'd just like less of it in the honeymoon phase. You know, the beginning phase where everything they do is great and fun. Accept it as great and fun, but put no more stock in him than that. I have the He-should-be-so-lucky-as-to-have-me-like-him attitude, so, almost there. Trying the new theory.

Some time

I joined choir again and today was the first practice. I'm glad I went, because I always miss that community and the music and just singing, in general, with other people. Saw some old aquaintances I can see becoming better friends with.
This is all part of my plan to not be such a recluse. Maybe its age affecting me, but I'm trying to enjoy the present instead of planning to enjoy some time in the future. When we wheel into the old folks home all we really take with us are the memories, or regrets. Or both. I spend too much time planning to enjoy my perfect life when it arrives. I need to live more in the life I have now.

Mr.Mr.

Usually when I meet someone I might be interested in I crush for months, build an entire imaginary personality of what he might be like based on the (very) few conversations we have, convince myself he is my next great love, and then come crashing into reality. Or, better, a new crush. This works very well in some cases. Celebrity crush, and any currently running perfect crushes that are now so far away it no longer matters. I cant give them up. I've tried, that's the kind of crazy that sticks.

When I moved I decided change was in order. Mostly I meant in the distant future when I am again independent. I challenged myself that the next time I met someone interesting, BEFORE I got all carried away, I would pursue an actual relationshipy thingy. No more getting all wrapped up, to be disappointed. Invest a bit, and move on, or highlight of all highlights, have it go somewhere.

Now I have met someone I want to get to know better. He works at a restaurant down the street from the store my parents own. He is clearly not getting my telepathic signals to ask me out. I'm not sure if I have the guts to go through with asking him myself. Trying to remember he's no big deal, and the worst that can happen is he says no and I move on to a new crush - type thing, because I'm not crushing.

A listing of past huge crushes for reference point and motivation,

- Joey Lawrence, that may be going back too far.

- Mr Handsome, my high school crush, who was (only) flattered (sadly) when I told him. Became one of my best friends and was exactly as I imagined him to be. How rare is that?!! Is still one of the kindest, funniest people I know.

- Hot Chocolate, so named because of his beverage of choice at the TH I worked at. Also because Hot C also relates to his name. Actually met at a friends birthday. Is one of the best looking men I've ever seen in real life. And is nice, smart, and funny. He is the perfect crush. I romantisized what it would be like to be with him just to not feel so alone. I kind of hope I never really get to know him, might spoil the illusion. He's just...OK, if you've seen the Robin Hood the cartoon the part where the girl rabbit sees Robin and sighs "He's sooo handsome", or Trent (Vince Vaughn) in Swingers "We're so money, baby!" He is sooo money, baby!

- Film Guy lives where I plan to live, and used to live where I used to live. He has an amazing and quick wit, that always makes me laugh. We're going to hang out when I move. Then he'll have enough time to discover my charm :)

There are many others, and ofcourse they all have nicknames, some because I dont know their real name and you have to fill a conversation with something. Perhaps you even have a few yourself. This may mean you are as crazy and neurotic as me. Do not fear, I am trying my crush free theory as we speak and hope to find some measure of success. I never really want to give up that kind of a heart jump into your throat, butterflies in your stomache, skin tingling, light headed, insert continuous cliches here, feeling at the sight or sound of him.

Progress

I am waiting. I am working with my Dad on constructiony-type projects that I have no training in. This means to accomplish anything I have to go at his pace. Lose an hour at the hardware store, following the 1/2 hour spent looking for tools in the garage (a process I am hoping to amend soon) to begin a project that will probably have atleast 3 more said interruptions. I do not mind working at his pace, it means I get to just hang out with my Dad basically. It is hard in that the figure I once saw strong as Superman, now asks me to open jars for him. Where once we used to race, now I see him slowly shuffle, holding on as he goes, tryng to avoid a fall. They call it Inclusion-Body Myositis, or that's what they've diagnosed this time. All I know is I am watching my strongman hero slowly lose his strength. I am not going to take away the little independence he can still have. I'm thankfull he accepts help, even if sometimes it has to be forced on him. I am most grateful that he never gives up. So we plod along, and occasionally even accomplish something. I need to take this time to not just work, but to take some time to work with my Dad.

Chocolate - My Nemesis

Yesterday I decided to (again) give up chocolate in all its delicious forms. I made it almost 2 years the last time, so I have high hopes. I am actually super allergic to some brands, and probably minimally to all. The allergy is, I think, to a preservative, but I'm not inclined to test the theory, often. And the caffeine gives me migraines. Which is what I woke up with this morning after the (one day!) withdrawal. I am going to miss it, and crave it, but it is for my health, and I will try to keep that in mind.
With cravings and headaches I joke to friends that Chocolate has become a voice in my head, telling me to eat, and when I dont listen, it gets a big stick and pounds from inside. Yes this sounds crazy, inless you agree and have heard them too.

Meme

Thanks to Fourleafclover who got this from Teeni

I am: an adult sitting in my childhood bedroom.
I think: I should be more accomplished by now.
I know: I am loved, but I never trust it.
I have: so much work to do.
I wish: for things beyond my control.
I hate: being fake.
I miss: my life and independence before.
I fear: Becoming someone I dont like.
I hear: the whir of the computer, my watch, and earlier, crickets. Loudly.
I smell: Shampoo from my just showered hair.
I crave: Affection.
I search: for true friendships.
I wonder: if my inner idealist will be crushed by reality.
I regret: less of what I have done and more of what I haven't
I love: My family, the one given and chosen.
I ache: but I try to ignore it.
I am not: who I aspire to be.
I believe: Moments are the most important.
I dance: in different forms.
I sing: because I love to.
I cry: when I hope no one sees/hears me.
I fight: against my own pettiness.
I win: when I can see positive.
I lose: when I say hurtful things.
I never: really forget.
I always: try to see the other side.
I confuse: how I think I should feel with how I do feel.
I listen: for the alterior motive.
I can usually be found: at home.
I am scared: of losing those close to me.
I need: very little really.
I am happy about: a moment in the future, but I'm working on here and now.
I imagine: more than I can write.

Alone but not lonely

I'm not pining for anyone in particular, which is not the norm for me. Just in the last year I've finally been able to embrace singledom as a good thing and not see it as a disease or failing. I'm interested in settling down, but not settling for less. I like me quite a bit, as is.

More Bridget Jones than Carrie Bradshaw

Have taken diary attitude towards blogging.
Most pressing thought of today is not being able to follow rather simple dietary guidelines. I just love sugar too much. I really dont want to have health problems in my old age that are related to how I took care of myself. Anything preventable, I want to prevent, like heart disease, diabetes, even osteoporosis. These thoughts freak me out. Winning beauty contests are just not enough incentive to get off the couch (computer) because I will never be a model. I dont want to work that hard to have the body of a 10 year old boy. I will work for my health though. This is not about caving to societal pressure of ideals, but maintaining my own fitness.
The part that sucks is my sister is a model. No one famous, outside of her own mind, but at 5'11 and 125'ish, it seems somehow unfair that we share a gene pool. That sounds really whiny.
Funny story about my sister. Once I joined Nutrisystem online and they had (may still have) a BMI type index of how much you "should" weigh for your height. I punched in my numbers at the time and it gave me the appropriately saddening response. My sister in an effort to join with me, put her numbers in. The response was that she did not need to lose and was on the very low end of acceptable. So to this she asks, "But how much would I need to lose if I were 5"7"?" I just laughed, and we still laugh about it.
I want the confidence that comes from feeling strong, agile and graceful. The last two may not be true, but I'm holding on to hope. I do not seek someone else's shallow praise, because I've set the bar for myself. I accept it willingly though.

Everyday

I have made a goal for myself to blog every day this month, just to see what rolls out. Forced creativity like a sketch group. Really not sure what to blog about.
Recently my bogging was attacked as being pretentious. Laughably pretentious actually. I am many things, but I didnt think that was one of them.
I've been watching first season Dharma and Greg since I found it at Costco for $10 (present for me). At the end of every episode in the credits the writer threw in some random thoughts referred to as Vanity Cards. This to me is the entire concept of a blog. Topics or focus vary, Mommy/Family, politics, weight/health, or creative writing, whatever. Lofty ideals aside, posting your thoughts on the internet is a Vanity Card, whether you are a celebrity obsessed no name in your parents basement or the Dali Lama - who, I think, does not have a blog. Anyway, it seems pretentious by its very nature. We're all narcissist, accept and grow with love.

Sept 1st

Made you look ;)

JM

Been listening to John Mayer again a bit. I may have lost you with that admission, but I stand behind it. His music makes me hopeful. Not in a I-want-him kinda way, though I do, and am not yet above stalking. I'll try to explain.
I'd been single for a long while, and bitterness was seeping in. I'd formed the opinion (mostly from reading online dating profiles, but lets not dwell) that biology was the only deciding factor. More specifically that men were callous, devoid of emotion, and only looking to hop in to bed with any willing body. That love and all its illusions, was a joke. A cold and lonely point of view. There was this song always playing, by this smug good looking guy about "you're body is a wonderland" and how he was really interested in it. I never really listened to it, because I was annoyed by a first glance assumed insinuation. Then there was this other song, "No Such Thing" that totally encapsulated how I felt after school and looking forward. I had heard "Why Georgia" on the radio, finally caught the name of the artist that was the same as NST and decided his would be my next album purchase. I bought the CD, opened it in my car and drove around to listen to it as is my custom. I remember driving downtown to do more shopping, and then just listening to the songs. Sitting in my car on Third, hearing this GUY say things that I had totally felt.
Now I know, cynics can trash that moment. But that doesnt change it for me. That was the first time in a long time that I felt like maybe there was more. And I started to see how closed off I'd become. When I really thought about it, I had guy friends who were not heartless, though I'd been looking at their actions as if they were. The songs really affected me. They fell in at exactly the right moment.
So now when I listen to JM, I'm listening for the guy who had me sitting in my car, waiting on the next line. Who can articulate the same emotion I feel. Or make me feel the emotion he's articulating. Beyond the hype and headlines, I always hear that guy.
I love that guy.

Idea stolen from possible new friend

So I haven't quite totally figured this out yet. And I'm not talking life in the general scope of things, but this bloggosphere exactly. I found a nice read and decided to steal an idea for my own. The original is here http://conundrumsaway.blogspot.com/

Here are my possible fall back careers, in no particular order;

Soap opera writer
Vigilante - Cool like Batman or the A-team, while still being crazy and outside the line
Organic Farmer
Amish convert - however I think it could be hard to get in.
Casting Director - although I'm sure I would play favorites and be vindictive.
Phone sex operator - I'm too prudish actually, but I've been told I have a voice for it.
Trophy Wife - although I fear that amount of plastic surgery
Mobster - although I'm sure to get whacked, I want the power!
Hotel front desk
Airline Stewardess - free travel, bouya!
Bank Manager
Insurance sales
All are jobs I can dress up for, unlike ones I have had until now.
OK, there's my list, hope you enjoyed it, now go make your own!

Home

Recently I decided to break from my life and come "home" for a bit. Family concerns were the biggest reason, but more on that maybe later. I am missing long talks with good friends and have turned to the internet to ramble at.
Right now as I sit in my childhood bedroom, I'm most concerned with what happens next. The emotions that have lead me to right here I would not take back. This present day situation is not the norm though. It's good, and also it's not where I was, which was good, and not where I plan to be, which I hope is good. I left this tiny isolated place 10 years ago for a career that I never really followed. I moved north, and though I wasn't raised there, I feel like its where I grew up. I embraced the values that define me while living there. I hope it is always a big part of me, and I cherish every friendship. I miss being there, but this is where I need to be, and I want something new for the future. I'm still looking for the place that feels like home.

Thinky

I want to write more. I'm just never sure where to start. I have one thought, and then it jumbles into a million, all judged on the merit of how interesting they might be. Honestly, not that interesting. But maybe there are others out there with minds full and they can take a breather with my crazy for a while.

I'm not a good liar. This means I have to own every emotion. For a while I tried to just be honest all the time. Feelings were hurt, friendships were tested. I abhore being fake. Then I set my own comfort level between truth and others emotions. Are they being stupid, probably yes, will I tell them, probably yes. I never condone stupidity.

It took a long time for me to feel ok about talking about a friend in any context. I still fear being two faced in a high school, cliquey, immature bitch kinda way. But fake is a part of life. With aquaintances, certain coworkers, tellers, peripheral people, I'm not going to invest in building a strong friendship. I have made choices, in the friends that I keep, to surround myself with people who are not catty, gossipy or hurtful in friendship. I want any friend of mine to be able to hear me talking about them, and have it be positive whether I know they are listening or not. Conversations will inevitably involve stories from my life and friends are a part of my life. Fun times, arguments, and concerns are reality. Confiding emotion is necessary. The tone dictates the intent, and respect is the bottom line.

The slow building layers of a friendship can be tricky. But if you dont put yourself out there, trust never fosters. And you end up a hermit.

Mom's Day

Recently alot of my friends have joined the Mommy ranks. My closest high school friends already have one or two and several of the women in my circle are well on their way to joining the group. Although I joke about losing them to the baby club, I am excited and happy for all of them, genuinely. Do I look forward to having kids? This question always poses difficulty for me, for several reasons. "No" sparks a litany of follow up questions and is not entirely true. The truth is, it is just not that simple.
There is a certain pressure to fit societal norms. Not just to be "normal" (a concept I've never understood or taken seriously) but to remain attached to your peer group. Seems we grow up together is phases, or we grow apart. Being a mother is its own language. Without a child, not only do you speak with an accent, most of the conversation doesn't relate.
I grew up in the mormon church, with a large focus on family, so alot of my time as a young woman was spent dreaming of life with a return missionary. I dont go to church anymore, but still it is ingrained into who I am.
I always thought I would be married before now and want to be before I have kids. The longer I am single the more uncompromising and less hopeful I become. Perhaps it should be the other way around. More hopeful and less compromising. But its not.
The responsibility of parenthood is something I take very seriously. I'm not going to settle down because it is expected. Making myself unhappy would be a disservice to my child. I am selfish. I've heard the theory that there's nothing more selfish than creating a carbon copy of yourself. However I actually believe motherhood is one of the least selfish acts, ever. I also believe there is more to family than blood and am an adamant supporter of adoption. I've seen that caring for a child can be completely selfless, if you accept the responsibility and take seriously the task you are charged with.
Those women are mothers, and this day is for them.

V-Day

Last year for this "special" holiday I decided instead to just skip it. I celebrated Ben Day instead, had a Ben Affleck movie marathon, coccooned into a non reality bubble and it was quite nice. This year I had planned to do the same, but for some reason reality keeps seeping in. There's a new kind of bitter being 30 and single, today. I'm one of those girls that love cheesy romantic movies and can be moved to tears by ads. And usually my faith in love, and the hope of its possibility is unshakeable. Seems I'm growing up I guess, although I hate the idea of giving up ideals. As I fall asleep I sometimes make up moments in my future. The moments have changed and the future I picture now seems to be, empty, in comparison. Maybe I'm just having a bad day.

Dating as a Career

I've come to the conclusion that dating is like going for a job. OK it sounds cold, but stick with me. There's always one who needs the other more, sometimes the one hiring, sometimes the one applying. There's an interview process, not always long or extensive. You try to sum up who you are, but really its who you think they'd like to hire. At any part in the process you may get hired, or not, without any reason given. Once you have that new job, its exciting and challenging and your true work ethic begins to show as you learn how the business actually runs. You may still be shown the door, you may find another firm you like better, or you may settle in for the long haul, happy or unhappy with the status of your employment.

4 AM

All my best thinking is done in the wee hours of morning. For a while I hadn't been in the right head space to blog, but I'm back to random ramblings again. Yay for me, and you!
I think everyone is the lead in the movie of their life. I don't mean in a selfish it's-all-about-me kinda way. Just that the decisions a person make, the path anyone follows, are the result of choices as the director. The lead character in your film is cast. Where the film goes, what genre it fills and the rest of the cast are all up for grabs. Some people you meet will be supporting players, regardless of how you want to cast them. If I have the luxury of growing old I want to look back on great moments and know that I was brave enough risk. Rewards or consequences, I want to seek opportunities interesting enough to be worth involvement.