Late night at the Y

Went for a run at the YMCA where I've been actually using my membership again.  
Wasn't fast, but I do feel pretty inspired to keep going.

On Dasher

Wow, really slow pathetic excuse for a run today. 1.5mi in 30min. That's 12 min a km. Tried to speed it up with some intervals, clearly not there yet.
The worst part is, this has left me totally red zoned, as in pretty nearly wiped out.
As my Dad would say, I need more practice.

On treadmill

Today I hopped on the treadmill, did a 5 minute warm-up, then ran
1 minute at 3,
1 minute at 3.5,
1 minute at 4,
1 minute at 3.5,
1 minute walk at 2.7,
then repeated the 5 minute run set 4 times, then a 5 min walk to cool down.
Not fast, not long, but faster for me, and a start.

Goals

Feeling really shitty about my complete lack of dedication to my health. Had 3/4 of a cheesecake to myself yesterday. That needs to stop.

I seem to have lost any and all motivation. I hate saying, "This time for sure!" and then failing again and again.

So, what am I getting out of being fat? Safety, I think. I don't have to put myself out there, because men don't like fat girls. Well, that's not true, but it feels true. If I get rejected at this weight, its not about me, its about how I look. This could still hold true if I were thin, and my face is funny looking. I mean, I think it's pretty, but I think I'm not always hideous right now, so what do I know. More importantly, do I really want to deny myself tasty food and endure the pain of working out for theoretical future man? No. If he doesn't notice how awesome I am, and only cares about how I look, then fuck him, because either way, looks fade and I bet he's not a movie star either.
Ok, that's a lot of anger at an imaginary person.
I am perfectly fine on my own, but I shouldn't be so... afraid to be with a guy, that I deliberately destroy the possibility. I'm not against being with someone, but the idea of letting a guy close, and facing rejection, terrifies me. I like the notion of coupledom, though. So I need to work on not being so afraid.

The big, and only real, reason to lose weight, is to get healthy. I know the spiel, I've told myself a million times. I don't feel good, physically or emotionally at this weight. For my own happiness, health, and quality of living, I need to make better choices.
I don't seem to care much about myself, though.
To counter this, I am pursuing running goals, because this is tangeable, and you can't fuck around with training, and acheive results. Running is all in. I want to run a 10k in under 75 minutes. Then I want to run a half marathon. For future success, I need to work today. I need to strength train. I need to log miles. I need to fuel for a high efficiency machine.
That is a goal I will work for.

Up the ante

The RocknRoll 10K run in Vancouver was a really great run. The day was beautiful, clear and not too warm. My sister wanted to try for a PB, so I was in a slower corral. She also had my beer tag for the end of the race, to enjoy while waiting for me, her idea, but not the point. I was nervous before the run because I had fallen off the training schedule and was only running half the distance/time needed. But I was still running, atleast, and had made a commitment to do the event with my sister, and wanted to keep that. So I decided that my goal was to run the first hour, as a walk/run, running 10 minutes, walking 1, and then see how I felt. The race had a 2 hour time limit, and I figured if I ran the first hour, I could walk the rest in the time given, in theory. So my sister and I travelled to the race together, taking the shuttle and with enough time to grab some pictures, before we had to line up. After the usual wait time for faster corrals, I was on my way. Made it my 6 sets, just past the 6km marker, and was still feeling good, so kept running. Made it most of the way, with more walking past 9km than running, but still finished strong. Really proud that I completed it.
The run itself was amazing, the course is gorgeous and flat, and the weather was perfect for a run. I took photos which slowed my time further, but I wanted to remember running the seawall for the first time.
When we started, there was a lot of talk about doing the 10k Saturday, as a warm up for the half-marathon Sunday. After some serious consideration, I think I would like to try that next year.

Scratch that,

I am going to try that next year.

21.1kms is a good goal, maybe the goal I've been looking for. Not so much that it takes over your life, or can kill you if you don't prepare, but a serious training challenge. Vancouver is a beautiful city, and the course was so nice, I really enjoyed the experience, and feel inspired to run more.

When I first started running, my instructor at the couch to 5K told me I was made for distance, and that eventually I would want to run a marathon. I said, HA! But, game on.

RocknRoll

Today's the day, 10k!

Pizza

I'm not someone who generally craves pizza. But yesterday at 11:30pm, I was jonesin' for it bad enough that I ordered it delivery (I hate ordering) and borrowed cash from my roomate.
Kind of like an addict.
I don't like to be a slave to addiction.

It is October 15th, halfway through October, most of the way through the year, and my weight... I don't even know what to say.

I am really unhappy with choices that are unhealthy for me. I had pie for lunch, and with pizza I had cream soda. I rarely crave pop, but the sugar need was so high yesterday. I had Cheerios for breakfast, ham and veggies for a snack, and Hamburger Helper for dinner. Twice. I know part of this is PMS, but I didn't drink enough water, or have enough vegetables, and no fruit. I am now awake at 5:30am, again, my skin is so itchy it feels like I have bugs, and my digestive track is unhappy. Plus my face now has hints of a breakout. All related to what I chose to eat. This is no good.

I am uncomfortable in my own skin. I don't recognize my face in the mirror. I have no energy, and I don't fit... anything.

I need to try harder.

One good thing is I ran yesterday. Just 3k, but better than nothing.

I need more good points, and less bad ones. An aquaintance was soliciting health advice on fb yesterday. I don't seem to have that figured out at all yet.

Thanksgiving

Coming to the end of the long weekend, and had big dinners with friends and family. Ham, for both this year, no turkey. Turkey when I go visit my parents in 2 weeks though I'm sure. Have a migraine now, maybe from the pie. Enough about food.
I had a really good, hard run today. 6×6mins, for almost 5k. Not aven close to prepared for the 10k, but looking forward to it now.
So thankful for the amazing people the fill my life. I feel so lucky to have such a great family and friends.
The northern lights were dancing on my way home. I love this beautiful life.

Monday/Friday

I had yesterday off, and I work today before a 4 day weekend. So much time!

Ran 3.31K today. Really proud of actually getting outside and running.

Oatmeal and yogurt for breakfast, feeling really positive and motivated to be healthy.

Fraud

A friend gave me a very nice compliment yesterday, about how it looked like my pants were looser and I must be losing weight. The sad truth is, these are new pants. They are the same size as my old fat pants, but they have pockets... so yay!
What is funny (?) to me, is this friend has a had a more than noticeable recent weight loss (60lbs I was informed by a mutual friend, from 1500 calories a day, and no gluten/wheat, plus running) and while I was really happy for her, I am also jealous.
I ran into another friend earlier in the week who has become a personal trainer and is looking fitter, and while we talked, all I could think was, she must think I look so... awful.
I have not been running as much and have a 10k in 3 weeks with my sister, the marathon runner. I don't know how to tell her I am not prepared.
The only plus side to this is I have been on the healthy train, pretty well since the beginning of the month. Small consolation, that the cookies I give up get me closer to my goal.

Try

Tried Zumba again, for the second time this year. Still not a fan. But it wasn't as terrible as the first time, and my best friend wanted to sign up,  so we are hanging out and being healthy, for the next 6 weeks.
My run with my sister is in 4 weeks. Panic!
So not prepared. All my fault. Well, mine and cookies. They hold some accountability here.
Tried to eat well today, but garlic sausage as a protein source just means heartburn and gas.
Dairy Queen is an excellent birthday treat for a boy just turned a teen, but it means a stomach ache and hives for me.
The last song at Zumba tonight was ine of my all time faves, Try by Pink. I find it so inspiring. The beauty of the song, and just the idea, even just the word.
Try.

Back to scratch

Last Wednesday I went to the gym and made the mistake that is weighing myself. I was disappointed and disheartened to discover I am still at 220, despite my hard work.
I recently considered challenging myself with a half marathon, I'm taking this as an indication that I do need to up the ante on my fitness, and diet.
Had a really good run on Sunday, hoping to keep that momentum as I head towards the RocknRoll 10k in 5 weeks.
Really jealous of an acquaintances success in achieving weight loss.
I feel dizzy and lethargic again, and I hate not recognizing myself in the mirror.
Time to focus.

Thoughts from the changeroom

I went bra shopping today. Aside from having to see myself in a full length mirror, it was pretty good. Fun, even.
So, there is a trend of naming bra styles with a woman's name. Who came up with this? Why would I want to wear Danielle's bra, or Sofia? I used to wear Olga's, and was properly supported, as you may imagine. Instead, I would love something like, jobs you might do in that bra. The Astronaut. The Lawyer series. The Veterinarian. Well, you get the idea.

Note to self

If you fall asleep in the parking lot line up, give your reflection a glance before you go up on the ferry.

Discovery

Recently I went to a Women's Festival, which to be honest is not my scene, but while I was there, I spent time walking the labyrinth, a circle of stones set like a maze to the centre, in a large field. I thought the idea was to focus energy and channel good wishes, or vibes or whatever out into the universe, so I was channeling my positive thoughts for my friends, their kids, my family, and as I neared the centre I thought, what about me? Don't I have any positive wishes for myself, for my future, for my happiness? I realized how much energy I was putting towards other people, and realized I needed to focus some of that for myself. That was my take away.

Today I was driving down a beautiful stretch of highway, one of my favorites, on my way to the coast. I was thinking about how all relationships have a ying and a yang, an alpha and a beta - not always the same person everyday, but generally, one leads and the other follows, from what I've surmised. Within myself, I realized that I have both Alpha and beta tendencies, I can lead when I want, and am passionate about something, but I don't always need to.
Here's where I explain a bit of my crazy, and hope it makes sense.
I struggle with willpower and motivation for health, so a while ago, I decided that my inner voice for strength should be Christopher Meloni. Not just because I think he is incredibly handsome (who doesn't want to think about attractive people?), or because I had a fantastic dream about him being my boyfriend once, or that the character of Elliot Stabler is a good example (not.perfect.) of strength and compassion and integrity. Well, all of those, but also, his character from Runaway Bride is the kind of personal trainer that would work for me, Were I to ever have one in real life.
Hope you're still with me. So, my motivational, positive side is a definite Alpha. My inner extrovert, that takes charge when I am happy. I also have a not so positive side, that sometimes takes over. Not always negative, this is the side that loves movies, and writing, and not running, and yes, eats too much, but also can wrap up in a world of imagination that I also need to be happy. My sister jokes about her inner fat kid trying to derail her. She would kick the life out of her inner fat kid if she could. But I'm very attached to the part of me that isn't sporty. If if is my inner kid, its me at 12, full of daydreams and not so good at future planning. Those are the angels on my shoulder, the (now influenced by Inside Out) "voices in my head" that, (simplified, obviously) make up who I am.

I realized as I drove, that if I have both an Alpha and a beta within me, that I was complete, without needing someone else to provide the other half. I've always been independent and never felt the need to settle for less than the real deal, or date just to have someone, but I do often feel pressure that I should. I felt a real sense of calm realizing that, I'm good on my own.

Configuring

I read something interesting today about giving a title to a self care blog post, and I've decided to adopt the practice.
I've been very busy this year, major life changes including a move, and now it is time to get back to being me.
I went to a women's festival recently, and came away with a sense that I should take care of myself, invest in myself, better and more often.
So I'm going to try.

Hello New Year

Did pretty well for most of December, but then fell down the holiday rabbit hole. Climbing back out now, training for a 10k, and trying to eat better.