I have to ask myself, how did I get here?
How did I get to waking up an even bigger weight, my stomach churning, and bowels expelling, skin flaring, and a migraine forming. The question really is, how did I get here, again?
The hard part is, I know the answer.
I need to do better.
I have been struggling to find motivation over the summer, the task seeming too great, possibly not even achievable. My foot is still in pain, and if I'm the only who is affected by my weight, then what do I care, I'm just as happy either way.
But that is a lie. I'm not happy at this weight, it is a fat suit that I am trapped in, and it will kill me if I let it.
My head is back in the game now. It started the beginning of August, little inspirations and changes, and last week I started walking for excercise again. In September I'm going to swim, if not before. Because I am a mermaid, and I need to remember that.
A few days ago I saw a beautiful black luxury car. I'm not a car girl, but this was fancy. For a second I thought, I'd like to be the girl who rides shotgun in that car. It follows a daydream I have about bring picked up by a man like Greg Montgomery (Dharma and Greg)and going to the Symphony or other high class event. And then I looked at what I was wearing, how exactly I'd left the house, and I thought that I really need to put more effort in. Alot of effort in. Not just for a guy, although it would help to try, but to take care of myself first and foremost. To drive that luxury car, like that Cadillac CTS commercial with Kate Walsh. I know gearing up is going down a rabbit hole of vanity, and maybe I am not ever going to be a pretty girl, but I'm tired of being the supporting actress in my own movie.
It's time to get in the driver's seat.
Just woke up from a dream where I was a badass. I mean, fit, and take no shit, Linda Hamilton in T2 arms, Clint Eastwood attitude, Vin Diesel/Jason Statham/action star prowess, powerful, strong, confident bordering on arrogant woman. Then I woke up in this soft, jelly, body, and felt such a dissonance, between who I am, and who I could be, if I took care of myself. I feel really motivated to become that version of myself. I want to feel that strength, physically and mentally, in myself.
Maybe its March Madness, the stircrazy of Spring that means coming out of hibernation, but I feel like a change. They say less is more. For a while now I've been thinking about deleting fb. I've been inspired by things I've read recently, in particular singledadlaughing's #365daystolive challenge and an article about how social media actually makes us lonely. I find it is a crutch, that I use in place of actually connecting. Now, I love it, and I can easily follow the adventures of my family, and far away friends, but I am losing too much time to the worm hole of politics and animal videos. March is my running anniversary, but I'm still stuck in this boot from the break in November. FB is a giant timesuck for boredom. But boring people get bored. So, I'm going to challenge myself to do more, be more creative. I'm going to read more books, write more, take photographs, play guitar, practice a language, and make plans with actual people. I will slip up, I'm sure, but I'm going to try.
Saying 365 days is daunting, so I'm going to set 30 as my goal, 30 days, spending 30 minute blocks on other things. I want to have more authentic moments, not likes, and use my imagination more. So I'm posting here to reopen this as my place to post as I attempt to do more creatively.
