Being alone is sitting fine with me today. Better than dissapointment. I'm so far behind on the marriage and kids bus its not worth trying to catch up. Even if I did want it. So alone it is. Better to be alone and happy than attached and miserable.
Really stomping my inner optimist today. She's all happy and positive and chipper and I want to punch her in the face. Everything is shit now, and will continue to be for the forseeable future. I know, she's rallying, "put positivity out and the universe will bring it to you" and I say bullshit. Continue to believe that and the universe will test your resolve. Hope springs eternally to get stomped. I dont want to wish for anything anymore. Following that I'll be genuinely suprised if good actually happens.
OK, now I should become a recluse.
I have a pretty great life, family to rely on, good health, all the basics on the heirarchy of needs. I try to not take that for granted. I appreciate that there are people in the world with real problems. I'm just frustrated with uncertainty in this moment. Not just love, but finances, and dreams and a five year plan that is 15 years off course. I feel derailed, and I'm not sure how to get back on course or even which track is right when I do. I want to feel in control, not just reacting to the moment. I need to focus.
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