Nothing to write home about

Feeling generally mopey and detached these days. Part just the glum of winter, part my life in stasis. I can't seem to catch up with friends I used to talk to often, and am feeling left out. I dont want things to change. Not between me and them. Job, events, locations, sure, but not friendship. I want to call them, but then I feel like I'm leaning too hard. Even a strong friendship can support only so much. I want to call with good news, something new, but those stories are few and far between. I want to keep current with my friends because falling behind feels like falling out of their lives.
Interesting moment yesterday when I got cheered up by random conversation with aquaintance. This is how starved I've become for contact.
Really, I should stop looking back so I can see what is ahead. Or here.
But I miss it all so much.

Distracted

Google Game Idea taken from FourLeafClover

Put my name followed by "needs" and search google. One definate way to put it out there to the universe. Here goes.

Was totally set to play this game and maybe indulge in a little pity party. Some balloons, streamers, confetti, possibly cake.

Then the first of "my" needs came up as part of a school project on cultural exchange. The second was a child looking for a foster parent. I feel silly being whiny when there is such a big world with so many other things going on. I know my problems are big to me because they are mine, but sometimes I need to see a bigger picture.

If I want to have a positive influence in this world, then I need to do as the list instructed further down. Examples;
"Needs to find something to do tonight to keep her mind occupied..."
"Needs encouragement..."

AND MY ALL TIME FAVORITE,

"Needs a good kick in the ass."

Thank you universe.

Booty Call?

Last night shortly after midnight I got a text from an ex-lover. Normally no biggie, because we're transitioning into friends. But his intention was not friendly last night. And he's been hard to contact for the last little while. Which because he'd started seeing someone new, I expected. Not as distant as he's become, but some distance, sure.
He told me he thought to contact me after another friend reminded him of a story with me. A woman he'd been talking to since a reasonable hour.
I realize jealousy has no place in friendship, and I'm trying not to overreact. Honestly though, I feel taken for granted. Like he can just blow me off and then pick me back up again when he deems me worthy.
I'm actually insulted that I'm not important enough to him to be more than ego boost when needed. Maybe I set the ground rules too lax in our conversations. Maybe I'm reading too much into a passing comment. Maybe I dont care, because I'm hurt and I dont want to stifle that to apease someone else.

Reel life

And you thought at the end of the month I would fall away and never be heard from again. Haha!

A few years ago I went through a depressed phase. I dont know if I was actually depressed, but my actions seemed to imply it. No one needs 22 hours of sleep a day. Anyway.

In that time I pulled away from friends, family, life basically. Even books. Instead I substituted my life for a vicarious one through the screen. My best "friends" became the characters in my favorite TV shows, or faces in a film. I was so lonely and lost I fully embraced the reassuring and idealistic "reel world", as opposed to the harsh real world. It is a safe, comfortable place, with few suprises, and any harshness "isnt real anyway". This is part of the reason friends tease me about ideals , sort of as a concerned and gentle reminder to push myself out of that bubble.

I do believe everything happens for a reason. I hope to never fall back into that hole. I made changes, and continue to do. I once read that obsession is when you would chose a habit over an experience. I love CSI, but I no longer chose it over dinner with friends.

I still love my reel world though. I miss it if I stay away too long. OK, that sounded totally crazy. Let me see if I can explain. Its more like a hobby, now. Some people scrapbook, - I've tried, I cannot - or fish, - also a no go - or what have you. I love a story. Even how it all comes together. I am putting this to better use these days though. Last year I directed an act in a series of plays. And I'm always writing, and I intend to test it out on others. Not quite yet though.

Now instead of a sad place my reel life is hopeful and ambitious. It has always been my passion, and I want to channel that. I love the idealistic bubble, but I want to include more people in, not simply burst it. I dont expect it to ever be more than a hobby. I'd like to be part of a blockbuster, everyone likes to be appreciated, but it's not how I define success. Finding a way to do something I love, even just on the side, is success enough. Blending my reel life into my real life feels like success already.

Facebook, you temptation.

I will admit, I am a facebook addict. I think it is brilliant. And so very convenient. I love pretty much everything about it. This is how I lose hours of my life to reading status updates and clicking through photos. Facebook is the best way to reconnect with old friends and stay connected with current ones.
Having said that, I am finding I am losing a lot of productive time as well. I dont want to off anyone from my friend list, I want to keep them all. I dont need to keep up with aquaintances in quite the same way though. So I think I'm going to try something new. Less facebook and more actual life. "Oh no" you say, "That's crazy talk." No, no, they will all still be connected, like that address book you havent updated since high school. Except, now a move doesnt mean someone is lost. Instead of guessing at a situation from a nondescript status, I'm going to have a conversation with a friend about what is going on to be part of life. Theirs and mine. Schedules do still conflict so I will use email to converse with time strapped friends, not snoop through photos to catch up. I'm not signing off forever, and I will come back to update.
I'm just taking a facebreak.