On Dasher

Wow, really slow pathetic excuse for a run today. 1.5mi in 30min. That's 12 min a km. Tried to speed it up with some intervals, clearly not there yet.
The worst part is, this has left me totally red zoned, as in pretty nearly wiped out.
As my Dad would say, I need more practice.

On treadmill

Today I hopped on the treadmill, did a 5 minute warm-up, then ran
1 minute at 3,
1 minute at 3.5,
1 minute at 4,
1 minute at 3.5,
1 minute walk at 2.7,
then repeated the 5 minute run set 4 times, then a 5 min walk to cool down.
Not fast, not long, but faster for me, and a start.

Goals

Feeling really shitty about my complete lack of dedication to my health. Had 3/4 of a cheesecake to myself yesterday. That needs to stop.

I seem to have lost any and all motivation. I hate saying, "This time for sure!" and then failing again and again.

So, what am I getting out of being fat? Safety, I think. I don't have to put myself out there, because men don't like fat girls. Well, that's not true, but it feels true. If I get rejected at this weight, its not about me, its about how I look. This could still hold true if I were thin, and my face is funny looking. I mean, I think it's pretty, but I think I'm not always hideous right now, so what do I know. More importantly, do I really want to deny myself tasty food and endure the pain of working out for theoretical future man? No. If he doesn't notice how awesome I am, and only cares about how I look, then fuck him, because either way, looks fade and I bet he's not a movie star either.
Ok, that's a lot of anger at an imaginary person.
I am perfectly fine on my own, but I shouldn't be so... afraid to be with a guy, that I deliberately destroy the possibility. I'm not against being with someone, but the idea of letting a guy close, and facing rejection, terrifies me. I like the notion of coupledom, though. So I need to work on not being so afraid.

The big, and only real, reason to lose weight, is to get healthy. I know the spiel, I've told myself a million times. I don't feel good, physically or emotionally at this weight. For my own happiness, health, and quality of living, I need to make better choices.
I don't seem to care much about myself, though.
To counter this, I am pursuing running goals, because this is tangeable, and you can't fuck around with training, and acheive results. Running is all in. I want to run a 10k in under 75 minutes. Then I want to run a half marathon. For future success, I need to work today. I need to strength train. I need to log miles. I need to fuel for a high efficiency machine.
That is a goal I will work for.