Vikings

I have friends who plough through relationships at record speed. They meet someone, and the next time I talk to them its someone new. They never get bogged down long or attached. Rejection rarely slows them down, and they dish it out far more often. They're like the frickin Vikings of the dating world, conquer and move on. I want this attitude. Just for the first get to know you phase. I am capable of attachment, I'd just like less of it in the honeymoon phase. You know, the beginning phase where everything they do is great and fun. Accept it as great and fun, but put no more stock in him than that. I have the He-should-be-so-lucky-as-to-have-me-like-him attitude, so, almost there. Trying the new theory.

Some time

I joined choir again and today was the first practice. I'm glad I went, because I always miss that community and the music and just singing, in general, with other people. Saw some old aquaintances I can see becoming better friends with.
This is all part of my plan to not be such a recluse. Maybe its age affecting me, but I'm trying to enjoy the present instead of planning to enjoy some time in the future. When we wheel into the old folks home all we really take with us are the memories, or regrets. Or both. I spend too much time planning to enjoy my perfect life when it arrives. I need to live more in the life I have now.

Mr.Mr.

Usually when I meet someone I might be interested in I crush for months, build an entire imaginary personality of what he might be like based on the (very) few conversations we have, convince myself he is my next great love, and then come crashing into reality. Or, better, a new crush. This works very well in some cases. Celebrity crush, and any currently running perfect crushes that are now so far away it no longer matters. I cant give them up. I've tried, that's the kind of crazy that sticks.

When I moved I decided change was in order. Mostly I meant in the distant future when I am again independent. I challenged myself that the next time I met someone interesting, BEFORE I got all carried away, I would pursue an actual relationshipy thingy. No more getting all wrapped up, to be disappointed. Invest a bit, and move on, or highlight of all highlights, have it go somewhere.

Now I have met someone I want to get to know better. He works at a restaurant down the street from the store my parents own. He is clearly not getting my telepathic signals to ask me out. I'm not sure if I have the guts to go through with asking him myself. Trying to remember he's no big deal, and the worst that can happen is he says no and I move on to a new crush - type thing, because I'm not crushing.

A listing of past huge crushes for reference point and motivation,

- Joey Lawrence, that may be going back too far.

- Mr Handsome, my high school crush, who was (only) flattered (sadly) when I told him. Became one of my best friends and was exactly as I imagined him to be. How rare is that?!! Is still one of the kindest, funniest people I know.

- Hot Chocolate, so named because of his beverage of choice at the TH I worked at. Also because Hot C also relates to his name. Actually met at a friends birthday. Is one of the best looking men I've ever seen in real life. And is nice, smart, and funny. He is the perfect crush. I romantisized what it would be like to be with him just to not feel so alone. I kind of hope I never really get to know him, might spoil the illusion. He's just...OK, if you've seen the Robin Hood the cartoon the part where the girl rabbit sees Robin and sighs "He's sooo handsome", or Trent (Vince Vaughn) in Swingers "We're so money, baby!" He is sooo money, baby!

- Film Guy lives where I plan to live, and used to live where I used to live. He has an amazing and quick wit, that always makes me laugh. We're going to hang out when I move. Then he'll have enough time to discover my charm :)

There are many others, and ofcourse they all have nicknames, some because I dont know their real name and you have to fill a conversation with something. Perhaps you even have a few yourself. This may mean you are as crazy and neurotic as me. Do not fear, I am trying my crush free theory as we speak and hope to find some measure of success. I never really want to give up that kind of a heart jump into your throat, butterflies in your stomache, skin tingling, light headed, insert continuous cliches here, feeling at the sight or sound of him.

Progress

I am waiting. I am working with my Dad on constructiony-type projects that I have no training in. This means to accomplish anything I have to go at his pace. Lose an hour at the hardware store, following the 1/2 hour spent looking for tools in the garage (a process I am hoping to amend soon) to begin a project that will probably have atleast 3 more said interruptions. I do not mind working at his pace, it means I get to just hang out with my Dad basically. It is hard in that the figure I once saw strong as Superman, now asks me to open jars for him. Where once we used to race, now I see him slowly shuffle, holding on as he goes, tryng to avoid a fall. They call it Inclusion-Body Myositis, or that's what they've diagnosed this time. All I know is I am watching my strongman hero slowly lose his strength. I am not going to take away the little independence he can still have. I'm thankfull he accepts help, even if sometimes it has to be forced on him. I am most grateful that he never gives up. So we plod along, and occasionally even accomplish something. I need to take this time to not just work, but to take some time to work with my Dad.

Chocolate - My Nemesis

Yesterday I decided to (again) give up chocolate in all its delicious forms. I made it almost 2 years the last time, so I have high hopes. I am actually super allergic to some brands, and probably minimally to all. The allergy is, I think, to a preservative, but I'm not inclined to test the theory, often. And the caffeine gives me migraines. Which is what I woke up with this morning after the (one day!) withdrawal. I am going to miss it, and crave it, but it is for my health, and I will try to keep that in mind.
With cravings and headaches I joke to friends that Chocolate has become a voice in my head, telling me to eat, and when I dont listen, it gets a big stick and pounds from inside. Yes this sounds crazy, inless you agree and have heard them too.

Meme

Thanks to Fourleafclover who got this from Teeni

I am: an adult sitting in my childhood bedroom.
I think: I should be more accomplished by now.
I know: I am loved, but I never trust it.
I have: so much work to do.
I wish: for things beyond my control.
I hate: being fake.
I miss: my life and independence before.
I fear: Becoming someone I dont like.
I hear: the whir of the computer, my watch, and earlier, crickets. Loudly.
I smell: Shampoo from my just showered hair.
I crave: Affection.
I search: for true friendships.
I wonder: if my inner idealist will be crushed by reality.
I regret: less of what I have done and more of what I haven't
I love: My family, the one given and chosen.
I ache: but I try to ignore it.
I am not: who I aspire to be.
I believe: Moments are the most important.
I dance: in different forms.
I sing: because I love to.
I cry: when I hope no one sees/hears me.
I fight: against my own pettiness.
I win: when I can see positive.
I lose: when I say hurtful things.
I never: really forget.
I always: try to see the other side.
I confuse: how I think I should feel with how I do feel.
I listen: for the alterior motive.
I can usually be found: at home.
I am scared: of losing those close to me.
I need: very little really.
I am happy about: a moment in the future, but I'm working on here and now.
I imagine: more than I can write.

Alone but not lonely

I'm not pining for anyone in particular, which is not the norm for me. Just in the last year I've finally been able to embrace singledom as a good thing and not see it as a disease or failing. I'm interested in settling down, but not settling for less. I like me quite a bit, as is.