Goals

Feeling really shitty about my complete lack of dedication to my health. Had 3/4 of a cheesecake to myself yesterday. That needs to stop.

I seem to have lost any and all motivation. I hate saying, "This time for sure!" and then failing again and again.

So, what am I getting out of being fat? Safety, I think. I don't have to put myself out there, because men don't like fat girls. Well, that's not true, but it feels true. If I get rejected at this weight, its not about me, its about how I look. This could still hold true if I were thin, and my face is funny looking. I mean, I think it's pretty, but I think I'm not always hideous right now, so what do I know. More importantly, do I really want to deny myself tasty food and endure the pain of working out for theoretical future man? No. If he doesn't notice how awesome I am, and only cares about how I look, then fuck him, because either way, looks fade and I bet he's not a movie star either.
Ok, that's a lot of anger at an imaginary person.
I am perfectly fine on my own, but I shouldn't be so... afraid to be with a guy, that I deliberately destroy the possibility. I'm not against being with someone, but the idea of letting a guy close, and facing rejection, terrifies me. I like the notion of coupledom, though. So I need to work on not being so afraid.

The big, and only real, reason to lose weight, is to get healthy. I know the spiel, I've told myself a million times. I don't feel good, physically or emotionally at this weight. For my own happiness, health, and quality of living, I need to make better choices.
I don't seem to care much about myself, though.
To counter this, I am pursuing running goals, because this is tangeable, and you can't fuck around with training, and acheive results. Running is all in. I want to run a 10k in under 75 minutes. Then I want to run a half marathon. For future success, I need to work today. I need to strength train. I need to log miles. I need to fuel for a high efficiency machine.
That is a goal I will work for.