Note to self

If you fall asleep in the parking lot line up, give your reflection a glance before you go up on the ferry.

Discovery

Recently I went to a Women's Festival, which to be honest is not my scene, but while I was there, I spent time walking the labyrinth, a circle of stones set like a maze to the centre, in a large field. I thought the idea was to focus energy and channel good wishes, or vibes or whatever out into the universe, so I was channeling my positive thoughts for my friends, their kids, my family, and as I neared the centre I thought, what about me? Don't I have any positive wishes for myself, for my future, for my happiness? I realized how much energy I was putting towards other people, and realized I needed to focus some of that for myself. That was my take away.

Today I was driving down a beautiful stretch of highway, one of my favorites, on my way to the coast. I was thinking about how all relationships have a ying and a yang, an alpha and a beta - not always the same person everyday, but generally, one leads and the other follows, from what I've surmised. Within myself, I realized that I have both Alpha and beta tendencies, I can lead when I want, and am passionate about something, but I don't always need to.
Here's where I explain a bit of my crazy, and hope it makes sense.
I struggle with willpower and motivation for health, so a while ago, I decided that my inner voice for strength should be Christopher Meloni. Not just because I think he is incredibly handsome (who doesn't want to think about attractive people?), or because I had a fantastic dream about him being my boyfriend once, or that the character of Elliot Stabler is a good example (not.perfect.) of strength and compassion and integrity. Well, all of those, but also, his character from Runaway Bride is the kind of personal trainer that would work for me, Were I to ever have one in real life.
Hope you're still with me. So, my motivational, positive side is a definite Alpha. My inner extrovert, that takes charge when I am happy. I also have a not so positive side, that sometimes takes over. Not always negative, this is the side that loves movies, and writing, and not running, and yes, eats too much, but also can wrap up in a world of imagination that I also need to be happy. My sister jokes about her inner fat kid trying to derail her. She would kick the life out of her inner fat kid if she could. But I'm very attached to the part of me that isn't sporty. If if is my inner kid, its me at 12, full of daydreams and not so good at future planning. Those are the angels on my shoulder, the (now influenced by Inside Out) "voices in my head" that, (simplified, obviously) make up who I am.

I realized as I drove, that if I have both an Alpha and a beta within me, that I was complete, without needing someone else to provide the other half. I've always been independent and never felt the need to settle for less than the real deal, or date just to have someone, but I do often feel pressure that I should. I felt a real sense of calm realizing that, I'm good on my own.

Configuring

I read something interesting today about giving a title to a self care blog post, and I've decided to adopt the practice.
I've been very busy this year, major life changes including a move, and now it is time to get back to being me.
I went to a women's festival recently, and came away with a sense that I should take care of myself, invest in myself, better and more often.
So I'm going to try.

Hello New Year

Did pretty well for most of December, but then fell down the holiday rabbit hole. Climbing back out now, training for a 10k, and trying to eat better.

Day 3

Before I post about my day, I want to take a moment to mention something that has happened, and is in my thoughts. My niece's husband has passed away suddenly. I met him shortly after they were married this summer, and he seemed a genuine good person, a caring husband and an involved father to their one year old. I cannot imagine her grief, and I am stunned and saddened by this news.

Successful swim and run today. Cravings and crankiness have kicked in.

Day 2

Plan is still in effect. Swam yesterday and today, ran last night. 

On the one hand I feel good and strong, like I am taking care of myself, taking charge, and using my muscles as they were intended. 

On the other hand, I am dealing with cravings in what is only the second day without candy and caffeine. ALL I WANT TO EAT IS ICING. I am not taking away bread at this current moment, as I fear the voices in my head may kill me if I attempt it before Thursday. I hope to make a successful break with processed food, but if it is 80/20, I'll be happy.

December Detox

I know, with Christmas meals and treats, plus winter comfort foods, this is a difficult time to be on the Healthy Train. However, here's what I have learned from years of struggle; There is no good time. There is always a holiday, or a vacation, or stress, and I am still going to want to eat candy. But this is for my health, my happiness, and my quality of life, so I am committing to me. I've decided to start swimming every morning and running 3-4 days a week, and cut as much sugar from my diet as I can. This is what has lead to success in the past, and it is good for my heart.
Game On.