JM

Been listening to John Mayer again a bit. I may have lost you with that admission, but I stand behind it. His music makes me hopeful. Not in a I-want-him kinda way, though I do, and am not yet above stalking. I'll try to explain.
I'd been single for a long while, and bitterness was seeping in. I'd formed the opinion (mostly from reading online dating profiles, but lets not dwell) that biology was the only deciding factor. More specifically that men were callous, devoid of emotion, and only looking to hop in to bed with any willing body. That love and all its illusions, was a joke. A cold and lonely point of view. There was this song always playing, by this smug good looking guy about "you're body is a wonderland" and how he was really interested in it. I never really listened to it, because I was annoyed by a first glance assumed insinuation. Then there was this other song, "No Such Thing" that totally encapsulated how I felt after school and looking forward. I had heard "Why Georgia" on the radio, finally caught the name of the artist that was the same as NST and decided his would be my next album purchase. I bought the CD, opened it in my car and drove around to listen to it as is my custom. I remember driving downtown to do more shopping, and then just listening to the songs. Sitting in my car on Third, hearing this GUY say things that I had totally felt.
Now I know, cynics can trash that moment. But that doesnt change it for me. That was the first time in a long time that I felt like maybe there was more. And I started to see how closed off I'd become. When I really thought about it, I had guy friends who were not heartless, though I'd been looking at their actions as if they were. The songs really affected me. They fell in at exactly the right moment.
So now when I listen to JM, I'm listening for the guy who had me sitting in my car, waiting on the next line. Who can articulate the same emotion I feel. Or make me feel the emotion he's articulating. Beyond the hype and headlines, I always hear that guy.
I love that guy.

Idea stolen from possible new friend

So I haven't quite totally figured this out yet. And I'm not talking life in the general scope of things, but this bloggosphere exactly. I found a nice read and decided to steal an idea for my own. The original is here http://conundrumsaway.blogspot.com/

Here are my possible fall back careers, in no particular order;

Soap opera writer
Vigilante - Cool like Batman or the A-team, while still being crazy and outside the line
Organic Farmer
Amish convert - however I think it could be hard to get in.
Casting Director - although I'm sure I would play favorites and be vindictive.
Phone sex operator - I'm too prudish actually, but I've been told I have a voice for it.
Trophy Wife - although I fear that amount of plastic surgery
Mobster - although I'm sure to get whacked, I want the power!
Hotel front desk
Airline Stewardess - free travel, bouya!
Bank Manager
Insurance sales
All are jobs I can dress up for, unlike ones I have had until now.
OK, there's my list, hope you enjoyed it, now go make your own!

Home

Recently I decided to break from my life and come "home" for a bit. Family concerns were the biggest reason, but more on that maybe later. I am missing long talks with good friends and have turned to the internet to ramble at.
Right now as I sit in my childhood bedroom, I'm most concerned with what happens next. The emotions that have lead me to right here I would not take back. This present day situation is not the norm though. It's good, and also it's not where I was, which was good, and not where I plan to be, which I hope is good. I left this tiny isolated place 10 years ago for a career that I never really followed. I moved north, and though I wasn't raised there, I feel like its where I grew up. I embraced the values that define me while living there. I hope it is always a big part of me, and I cherish every friendship. I miss being there, but this is where I need to be, and I want something new for the future. I'm still looking for the place that feels like home.

Thinky

I want to write more. I'm just never sure where to start. I have one thought, and then it jumbles into a million, all judged on the merit of how interesting they might be. Honestly, not that interesting. But maybe there are others out there with minds full and they can take a breather with my crazy for a while.

I'm not a good liar. This means I have to own every emotion. For a while I tried to just be honest all the time. Feelings were hurt, friendships were tested. I abhore being fake. Then I set my own comfort level between truth and others emotions. Are they being stupid, probably yes, will I tell them, probably yes. I never condone stupidity.

It took a long time for me to feel ok about talking about a friend in any context. I still fear being two faced in a high school, cliquey, immature bitch kinda way. But fake is a part of life. With aquaintances, certain coworkers, tellers, peripheral people, I'm not going to invest in building a strong friendship. I have made choices, in the friends that I keep, to surround myself with people who are not catty, gossipy or hurtful in friendship. I want any friend of mine to be able to hear me talking about them, and have it be positive whether I know they are listening or not. Conversations will inevitably involve stories from my life and friends are a part of my life. Fun times, arguments, and concerns are reality. Confiding emotion is necessary. The tone dictates the intent, and respect is the bottom line.

The slow building layers of a friendship can be tricky. But if you dont put yourself out there, trust never fosters. And you end up a hermit.

Mom's Day

Recently alot of my friends have joined the Mommy ranks. My closest high school friends already have one or two and several of the women in my circle are well on their way to joining the group. Although I joke about losing them to the baby club, I am excited and happy for all of them, genuinely. Do I look forward to having kids? This question always poses difficulty for me, for several reasons. "No" sparks a litany of follow up questions and is not entirely true. The truth is, it is just not that simple.
There is a certain pressure to fit societal norms. Not just to be "normal" (a concept I've never understood or taken seriously) but to remain attached to your peer group. Seems we grow up together is phases, or we grow apart. Being a mother is its own language. Without a child, not only do you speak with an accent, most of the conversation doesn't relate.
I grew up in the mormon church, with a large focus on family, so alot of my time as a young woman was spent dreaming of life with a return missionary. I dont go to church anymore, but still it is ingrained into who I am.
I always thought I would be married before now and want to be before I have kids. The longer I am single the more uncompromising and less hopeful I become. Perhaps it should be the other way around. More hopeful and less compromising. But its not.
The responsibility of parenthood is something I take very seriously. I'm not going to settle down because it is expected. Making myself unhappy would be a disservice to my child. I am selfish. I've heard the theory that there's nothing more selfish than creating a carbon copy of yourself. However I actually believe motherhood is one of the least selfish acts, ever. I also believe there is more to family than blood and am an adamant supporter of adoption. I've seen that caring for a child can be completely selfless, if you accept the responsibility and take seriously the task you are charged with.
Those women are mothers, and this day is for them.

V-Day

Last year for this "special" holiday I decided instead to just skip it. I celebrated Ben Day instead, had a Ben Affleck movie marathon, coccooned into a non reality bubble and it was quite nice. This year I had planned to do the same, but for some reason reality keeps seeping in. There's a new kind of bitter being 30 and single, today. I'm one of those girls that love cheesy romantic movies and can be moved to tears by ads. And usually my faith in love, and the hope of its possibility is unshakeable. Seems I'm growing up I guess, although I hate the idea of giving up ideals. As I fall asleep I sometimes make up moments in my future. The moments have changed and the future I picture now seems to be, empty, in comparison. Maybe I'm just having a bad day.

Dating as a Career

I've come to the conclusion that dating is like going for a job. OK it sounds cold, but stick with me. There's always one who needs the other more, sometimes the one hiring, sometimes the one applying. There's an interview process, not always long or extensive. You try to sum up who you are, but really its who you think they'd like to hire. At any part in the process you may get hired, or not, without any reason given. Once you have that new job, its exciting and challenging and your true work ethic begins to show as you learn how the business actually runs. You may still be shown the door, you may find another firm you like better, or you may settle in for the long haul, happy or unhappy with the status of your employment.