Thinky

I want to write more. I'm just never sure where to start. I have one thought, and then it jumbles into a million, all judged on the merit of how interesting they might be. Honestly, not that interesting. But maybe there are others out there with minds full and they can take a breather with my crazy for a while.

I'm not a good liar. This means I have to own every emotion. For a while I tried to just be honest all the time. Feelings were hurt, friendships were tested. I abhore being fake. Then I set my own comfort level between truth and others emotions. Are they being stupid, probably yes, will I tell them, probably yes. I never condone stupidity.

It took a long time for me to feel ok about talking about a friend in any context. I still fear being two faced in a high school, cliquey, immature bitch kinda way. But fake is a part of life. With aquaintances, certain coworkers, tellers, peripheral people, I'm not going to invest in building a strong friendship. I have made choices, in the friends that I keep, to surround myself with people who are not catty, gossipy or hurtful in friendship. I want any friend of mine to be able to hear me talking about them, and have it be positive whether I know they are listening or not. Conversations will inevitably involve stories from my life and friends are a part of my life. Fun times, arguments, and concerns are reality. Confiding emotion is necessary. The tone dictates the intent, and respect is the bottom line.

The slow building layers of a friendship can be tricky. But if you dont put yourself out there, trust never fosters. And you end up a hermit.

Mom's Day

Recently alot of my friends have joined the Mommy ranks. My closest high school friends already have one or two and several of the women in my circle are well on their way to joining the group. Although I joke about losing them to the baby club, I am excited and happy for all of them, genuinely. Do I look forward to having kids? This question always poses difficulty for me, for several reasons. "No" sparks a litany of follow up questions and is not entirely true. The truth is, it is just not that simple.
There is a certain pressure to fit societal norms. Not just to be "normal" (a concept I've never understood or taken seriously) but to remain attached to your peer group. Seems we grow up together is phases, or we grow apart. Being a mother is its own language. Without a child, not only do you speak with an accent, most of the conversation doesn't relate.
I grew up in the mormon church, with a large focus on family, so alot of my time as a young woman was spent dreaming of life with a return missionary. I dont go to church anymore, but still it is ingrained into who I am.
I always thought I would be married before now and want to be before I have kids. The longer I am single the more uncompromising and less hopeful I become. Perhaps it should be the other way around. More hopeful and less compromising. But its not.
The responsibility of parenthood is something I take very seriously. I'm not going to settle down because it is expected. Making myself unhappy would be a disservice to my child. I am selfish. I've heard the theory that there's nothing more selfish than creating a carbon copy of yourself. However I actually believe motherhood is one of the least selfish acts, ever. I also believe there is more to family than blood and am an adamant supporter of adoption. I've seen that caring for a child can be completely selfless, if you accept the responsibility and take seriously the task you are charged with.
Those women are mothers, and this day is for them.

V-Day

Last year for this "special" holiday I decided instead to just skip it. I celebrated Ben Day instead, had a Ben Affleck movie marathon, coccooned into a non reality bubble and it was quite nice. This year I had planned to do the same, but for some reason reality keeps seeping in. There's a new kind of bitter being 30 and single, today. I'm one of those girls that love cheesy romantic movies and can be moved to tears by ads. And usually my faith in love, and the hope of its possibility is unshakeable. Seems I'm growing up I guess, although I hate the idea of giving up ideals. As I fall asleep I sometimes make up moments in my future. The moments have changed and the future I picture now seems to be, empty, in comparison. Maybe I'm just having a bad day.

Dating as a Career

I've come to the conclusion that dating is like going for a job. OK it sounds cold, but stick with me. There's always one who needs the other more, sometimes the one hiring, sometimes the one applying. There's an interview process, not always long or extensive. You try to sum up who you are, but really its who you think they'd like to hire. At any part in the process you may get hired, or not, without any reason given. Once you have that new job, its exciting and challenging and your true work ethic begins to show as you learn how the business actually runs. You may still be shown the door, you may find another firm you like better, or you may settle in for the long haul, happy or unhappy with the status of your employment.

4 AM

All my best thinking is done in the wee hours of morning. For a while I hadn't been in the right head space to blog, but I'm back to random ramblings again. Yay for me, and you!
I think everyone is the lead in the movie of their life. I don't mean in a selfish it's-all-about-me kinda way. Just that the decisions a person make, the path anyone follows, are the result of choices as the director. The lead character in your film is cast. Where the film goes, what genre it fills and the rest of the cast are all up for grabs. Some people you meet will be supporting players, regardless of how you want to cast them. If I have the luxury of growing old I want to look back on great moments and know that I was brave enough risk. Rewards or consequences, I want to seek opportunities interesting enough to be worth involvement.

Rebel Yell

So I've decided not to follow any preconcieved notions and or rules on blogging. If I want to make a list on monday, I'm not waiting till thursday. If I dont feel like a list on thursday, I'm not writing one. I know, I know woah crazy rebel, but I dont want to feel confined in my ramblings. So from now on I am going to write more and more often, but the way I actually write, when the moment hits me. And it may be personal or it may just be something I've imagined, but hopefully its as interesting for those reading it as it is to write.

Infatuation

Love is a funny thing. Hope is even trickier. And no matter how hard I try to get rid of either they never seem to squash. The instant reaction to possibility is a moment I wish I could think through before I commit to. It doesn't seem to matter about the outcome, the chance is hope enough. Clearly, sanity is not an option, inless as a means of self preservation. There is no braver person than those who put their trust in love. Well, brave or crazy.