Late night at the Y

Went for a run at the YMCA where I've been actually using my membership again.  
Wasn't fast, but I do feel pretty inspired to keep going.

On Dasher

Wow, really slow pathetic excuse for a run today. 1.5mi in 30min. That's 12 min a km. Tried to speed it up with some intervals, clearly not there yet.
The worst part is, this has left me totally red zoned, as in pretty nearly wiped out.
As my Dad would say, I need more practice.

On treadmill

Today I hopped on the treadmill, did a 5 minute warm-up, then ran
1 minute at 3,
1 minute at 3.5,
1 minute at 4,
1 minute at 3.5,
1 minute walk at 2.7,
then repeated the 5 minute run set 4 times, then a 5 min walk to cool down.
Not fast, not long, but faster for me, and a start.

Goals

Feeling really shitty about my complete lack of dedication to my health. Had 3/4 of a cheesecake to myself yesterday. That needs to stop.

I seem to have lost any and all motivation. I hate saying, "This time for sure!" and then failing again and again.

So, what am I getting out of being fat? Safety, I think. I don't have to put myself out there, because men don't like fat girls. Well, that's not true, but it feels true. If I get rejected at this weight, its not about me, its about how I look. This could still hold true if I were thin, and my face is funny looking. I mean, I think it's pretty, but I think I'm not always hideous right now, so what do I know. More importantly, do I really want to deny myself tasty food and endure the pain of working out for theoretical future man? No. If he doesn't notice how awesome I am, and only cares about how I look, then fuck him, because either way, looks fade and I bet he's not a movie star either.
Ok, that's a lot of anger at an imaginary person.
I am perfectly fine on my own, but I shouldn't be so... afraid to be with a guy, that I deliberately destroy the possibility. I'm not against being with someone, but the idea of letting a guy close, and facing rejection, terrifies me. I like the notion of coupledom, though. So I need to work on not being so afraid.

The big, and only real, reason to lose weight, is to get healthy. I know the spiel, I've told myself a million times. I don't feel good, physically or emotionally at this weight. For my own happiness, health, and quality of living, I need to make better choices.
I don't seem to care much about myself, though.
To counter this, I am pursuing running goals, because this is tangeable, and you can't fuck around with training, and acheive results. Running is all in. I want to run a 10k in under 75 minutes. Then I want to run a half marathon. For future success, I need to work today. I need to strength train. I need to log miles. I need to fuel for a high efficiency machine.
That is a goal I will work for.

Up the ante

The RocknRoll 10K run in Vancouver was a really great run. The day was beautiful, clear and not too warm. My sister wanted to try for a PB, so I was in a slower corral. She also had my beer tag for the end of the race, to enjoy while waiting for me, her idea, but not the point. I was nervous before the run because I had fallen off the training schedule and was only running half the distance/time needed. But I was still running, atleast, and had made a commitment to do the event with my sister, and wanted to keep that. So I decided that my goal was to run the first hour, as a walk/run, running 10 minutes, walking 1, and then see how I felt. The race had a 2 hour time limit, and I figured if I ran the first hour, I could walk the rest in the time given, in theory. So my sister and I travelled to the race together, taking the shuttle and with enough time to grab some pictures, before we had to line up. After the usual wait time for faster corrals, I was on my way. Made it my 6 sets, just past the 6km marker, and was still feeling good, so kept running. Made it most of the way, with more walking past 9km than running, but still finished strong. Really proud that I completed it.
The run itself was amazing, the course is gorgeous and flat, and the weather was perfect for a run. I took photos which slowed my time further, but I wanted to remember running the seawall for the first time.
When we started, there was a lot of talk about doing the 10k Saturday, as a warm up for the half-marathon Sunday. After some serious consideration, I think I would like to try that next year.

Scratch that,

I am going to try that next year.

21.1kms is a good goal, maybe the goal I've been looking for. Not so much that it takes over your life, or can kill you if you don't prepare, but a serious training challenge. Vancouver is a beautiful city, and the course was so nice, I really enjoyed the experience, and feel inspired to run more.

When I first started running, my instructor at the couch to 5K told me I was made for distance, and that eventually I would want to run a marathon. I said, HA! But, game on.

RocknRoll

Today's the day, 10k!

Pizza

I'm not someone who generally craves pizza. But yesterday at 11:30pm, I was jonesin' for it bad enough that I ordered it delivery (I hate ordering) and borrowed cash from my roomate.
Kind of like an addict.
I don't like to be a slave to addiction.

It is October 15th, halfway through October, most of the way through the year, and my weight... I don't even know what to say.

I am really unhappy with choices that are unhealthy for me. I had pie for lunch, and with pizza I had cream soda. I rarely crave pop, but the sugar need was so high yesterday. I had Cheerios for breakfast, ham and veggies for a snack, and Hamburger Helper for dinner. Twice. I know part of this is PMS, but I didn't drink enough water, or have enough vegetables, and no fruit. I am now awake at 5:30am, again, my skin is so itchy it feels like I have bugs, and my digestive track is unhappy. Plus my face now has hints of a breakout. All related to what I chose to eat. This is no good.

I am uncomfortable in my own skin. I don't recognize my face in the mirror. I have no energy, and I don't fit... anything.

I need to try harder.

One good thing is I ran yesterday. Just 3k, but better than nothing.

I need more good points, and less bad ones. An aquaintance was soliciting health advice on fb yesterday. I don't seem to have that figured out at all yet.