Tough Girl

Just woke up from a dream where I was a badass. I mean, fit, and take no shit, Linda Hamilton in T2 arms, Clint Eastwood attitude, Vin Diesel/Jason Statham/action star prowess, powerful, strong, confident bordering on arrogant woman. Then I woke up in this soft, jelly, body, and felt such a dissonance, between who I am, and who I could be, if I took care of myself. I feel really motivated to become that version of myself. I want to feel that strength, physically and mentally, in myself.

Setback

Earlier this week I stubbed my toe so hard I nearly broke it. There was purple bruising, and so much pain, but after x-rays I was cleared to run in a few days. Except it's still really sore when I put pressure on it. I have 1 week till the 10k with my sister, and this is not helping.

However, I have 28 weeks till the half marathon, which I'm going to break in to 2 sessions, starting after the 10k. Running requires strength, and endurance. I am going to focus all my efforts to making this a reality.

Countdown is on

4 weeks till the SunRun. Am not going to be in superfit shape I hoped for, as I did not work hard enough. Training fail.
I did join a train for 10k for a local run in June, and am excited about that. Starting my distance build for half marathon after that. Actually scared by the challenge. But excited too.

Start of the season

Had a really good run this weekend. Next week the hard runs start for 10k training, mostly because I've been slacking since... October, but I feel ready to run now.

On Dasher

Wow, really slow pathetic excuse for a run today. 1.5mi in 30min. That's 12 min a km. Tried to speed it up with some intervals, clearly not there yet.
The worst part is, this has left me totally red zoned, as in pretty nearly wiped out.
As my Dad would say, I need more practice.

On treadmill

Today I hopped on the treadmill, did a 5 minute warm-up, then ran
1 minute at 3,
1 minute at 3.5,
1 minute at 4,
1 minute at 3.5,
1 minute walk at 2.7,
then repeated the 5 minute run set 4 times, then a 5 min walk to cool down.
Not fast, not long, but faster for me, and a start.

Goals

Feeling really shitty about my complete lack of dedication to my health. Had 3/4 of a cheesecake to myself yesterday. That needs to stop.

I seem to have lost any and all motivation. I hate saying, "This time for sure!" and then failing again and again.

So, what am I getting out of being fat? Safety, I think. I don't have to put myself out there, because men don't like fat girls. Well, that's not true, but it feels true. If I get rejected at this weight, its not about me, its about how I look. This could still hold true if I were thin, and my face is funny looking. I mean, I think it's pretty, but I think I'm not always hideous right now, so what do I know. More importantly, do I really want to deny myself tasty food and endure the pain of working out for theoretical future man? No. If he doesn't notice how awesome I am, and only cares about how I look, then fuck him, because either way, looks fade and I bet he's not a movie star either.
Ok, that's a lot of anger at an imaginary person.
I am perfectly fine on my own, but I shouldn't be so... afraid to be with a guy, that I deliberately destroy the possibility. I'm not against being with someone, but the idea of letting a guy close, and facing rejection, terrifies me. I like the notion of coupledom, though. So I need to work on not being so afraid.

The big, and only real, reason to lose weight, is to get healthy. I know the spiel, I've told myself a million times. I don't feel good, physically or emotionally at this weight. For my own happiness, health, and quality of living, I need to make better choices.
I don't seem to care much about myself, though.
To counter this, I am pursuing running goals, because this is tangeable, and you can't fuck around with training, and acheive results. Running is all in. I want to run a 10k in under 75 minutes. Then I want to run a half marathon. For future success, I need to work today. I need to strength train. I need to log miles. I need to fuel for a high efficiency machine.
That is a goal I will work for.

Hello 2013

It is a New Year, and I thought it might be time to get back to a bit of blogging. I've decided to return to what is basically an online diary for a few reasons, but mostly because I (not so) secretly miss it. Also, last year was the first year in a while that I did not accomplish my NY resolutions. So I'm posting them this year in an attempt to keep myself on track.

New Year 2012 I made a Vision Board. I know, so new agey, and was inspired by Jane on Happy Endings. I wanted to focus, in a Maslow's Theory kinda take off, on happiness and my own definition of success. Yep, that's my train of thought. So, I thought about everything I would like to have in a year that I would consider ideal, and to prioritize that.

So, everything that I want, that I can control (note - love is not on the board, because fate is "funny" about timing) I threw on the board. No one thing is more important than another, and alot are interconnected.
Also, I know I have the art skills of the average 4th grader. I have other talents. Here goes.

DREAMS   Aspire - Achieve
(this is the new agey bit about thoughts becoming reality.)

From the top:
Almost half is devoted to things that inspire me to be healthy. I know it seems like half naked Matthew McConaughey is maybe an allusion to an unrealistic romantic goal, but I'm not actually delusional. However I read a quote the Sexiest Man Alive 2005 gave People Magazine about "breaking a sweat every day" and it's very true. Getting a beach body takes work, every day, and also, doing one thing every day adds together to become an accomplishment.

Next is a tennis racket with the words Game, Set, Match. Its a "winning" attitude, but also I want to learn how to play tennis.

The running jacket is from The North Face, although honestly all running jackets seem to have this shape. I want the jacket, and whatever the shape that is in shape for me.

Under that is Run a 10k PB, and by personal best, I mean some other fit persons best, because my times currently suck, personally. Yaya, faster than everyone on the couch. Still.

Next, ok, is Carmen Electra, because I think of her as an all things sexified guru. I'm not flirty or at all comfortable with getting attention that way, but I wish a could be a bit more. Also I love to dance, and she has a dance workout series that is really fun.

I added Moves Like Jagger because that song pumps me up, and the video showcased that confidence overrules less than stellar moves. Just rock it.

The quote "look like you give a damn" is from an ad, to remind me that 1)Every day could be THE day, the start of an adventure, the beginning to something unexpected, and 2) caring about how I look is important. This has become incredibly clear to me recently, with a story that involves a grey sweatsuit. Its for another time. How I approach the day does matter, mostly to me. A healthy mind is part of a healthy body.

Because I struggle with changing things about myself physically for fear of becoming someone I don't recognize, I put IDEAL SELF on a briefcase. It appeals to the teen version of me, and the dreams she had about the future that I still hold.

Last fall I started doing courses towards a very nice job. I am still working towards that goal, but somehow when I originally wrote the word CAREER, it turned into a cloud, which carried my love of film and found opportunity knocking. That is a dream I will never give up. I will get a job, a nice, stable job, because bills don't pay themselves and I consider part of being a grown up being financially independent but I am going to make a MOVIE. Maybe more than one. And I will WRITE. Not to entertain anyone but myself really. Like this blog. Just because I can. That's the beauty of a hobby you love. I will figure it out and get a "real" job.

Vacation days are also for TRAVEL. It makes me sad that my passport has expired. The really sad part is how long ago, but let's not dwell. There are trips I have been talking about going on for years. A happy, successful life to me includes actually going on them.

I miss having a dog. I can't have one where I live right now. So the bottom, and also the foundation of my happy life is a home base. This is related to the job finding, and actually settling somewhere, which I have yet to do. But its all part of the plan.

So, this is how I define a successful life. I intend to work towards these goals, and see where it takes me.