Goals

Feeling really shitty about my complete lack of dedication to my health. Had 3/4 of a cheesecake to myself yesterday. That needs to stop.

I seem to have lost any and all motivation. I hate saying, "This time for sure!" and then failing again and again.

So, what am I getting out of being fat? Safety, I think. I don't have to put myself out there, because men don't like fat girls. Well, that's not true, but it feels true. If I get rejected at this weight, its not about me, its about how I look. This could still hold true if I were thin, and my face is funny looking. I mean, I think it's pretty, but I think I'm not always hideous right now, so what do I know. More importantly, do I really want to deny myself tasty food and endure the pain of working out for theoretical future man? No. If he doesn't notice how awesome I am, and only cares about how I look, then fuck him, because either way, looks fade and I bet he's not a movie star either.
Ok, that's a lot of anger at an imaginary person.
I am perfectly fine on my own, but I shouldn't be so... afraid to be with a guy, that I deliberately destroy the possibility. I'm not against being with someone, but the idea of letting a guy close, and facing rejection, terrifies me. I like the notion of coupledom, though. So I need to work on not being so afraid.

The big, and only real, reason to lose weight, is to get healthy. I know the spiel, I've told myself a million times. I don't feel good, physically or emotionally at this weight. For my own happiness, health, and quality of living, I need to make better choices.
I don't seem to care much about myself, though.
To counter this, I am pursuing running goals, because this is tangeable, and you can't fuck around with training, and acheive results. Running is all in. I want to run a 10k in under 75 minutes. Then I want to run a half marathon. For future success, I need to work today. I need to strength train. I need to log miles. I need to fuel for a high efficiency machine.
That is a goal I will work for.

Up the ante

The RocknRoll 10K run in Vancouver was a really great run. The day was beautiful, clear and not too warm. My sister wanted to try for a PB, so I was in a slower corral. She also had my beer tag for the end of the race, to enjoy while waiting for me, her idea, but not the point. I was nervous before the run because I had fallen off the training schedule and was only running half the distance/time needed. But I was still running, atleast, and had made a commitment to do the event with my sister, and wanted to keep that. So I decided that my goal was to run the first hour, as a walk/run, running 10 minutes, walking 1, and then see how I felt. The race had a 2 hour time limit, and I figured if I ran the first hour, I could walk the rest in the time given, in theory. So my sister and I travelled to the race together, taking the shuttle and with enough time to grab some pictures, before we had to line up. After the usual wait time for faster corrals, I was on my way. Made it my 6 sets, just past the 6km marker, and was still feeling good, so kept running. Made it most of the way, with more walking past 9km than running, but still finished strong. Really proud that I completed it.
The run itself was amazing, the course is gorgeous and flat, and the weather was perfect for a run. I took photos which slowed my time further, but I wanted to remember running the seawall for the first time.
When we started, there was a lot of talk about doing the 10k Saturday, as a warm up for the half-marathon Sunday. After some serious consideration, I think I would like to try that next year.

Scratch that,

I am going to try that next year.

21.1kms is a good goal, maybe the goal I've been looking for. Not so much that it takes over your life, or can kill you if you don't prepare, but a serious training challenge. Vancouver is a beautiful city, and the course was so nice, I really enjoyed the experience, and feel inspired to run more.

When I first started running, my instructor at the couch to 5K told me I was made for distance, and that eventually I would want to run a marathon. I said, HA! But, game on.

RocknRoll

Today's the day, 10k!

Pizza

I'm not someone who generally craves pizza. But yesterday at 11:30pm, I was jonesin' for it bad enough that I ordered it delivery (I hate ordering) and borrowed cash from my roomate.
Kind of like an addict.
I don't like to be a slave to addiction.

It is October 15th, halfway through October, most of the way through the year, and my weight... I don't even know what to say.

I am really unhappy with choices that are unhealthy for me. I had pie for lunch, and with pizza I had cream soda. I rarely crave pop, but the sugar need was so high yesterday. I had Cheerios for breakfast, ham and veggies for a snack, and Hamburger Helper for dinner. Twice. I know part of this is PMS, but I didn't drink enough water, or have enough vegetables, and no fruit. I am now awake at 5:30am, again, my skin is so itchy it feels like I have bugs, and my digestive track is unhappy. Plus my face now has hints of a breakout. All related to what I chose to eat. This is no good.

I am uncomfortable in my own skin. I don't recognize my face in the mirror. I have no energy, and I don't fit... anything.

I need to try harder.

One good thing is I ran yesterday. Just 3k, but better than nothing.

I need more good points, and less bad ones. An aquaintance was soliciting health advice on fb yesterday. I don't seem to have that figured out at all yet.

Thanksgiving

Coming to the end of the long weekend, and had big dinners with friends and family. Ham, for both this year, no turkey. Turkey when I go visit my parents in 2 weeks though I'm sure. Have a migraine now, maybe from the pie. Enough about food.
I had a really good, hard run today. 6×6mins, for almost 5k. Not aven close to prepared for the 10k, but looking forward to it now.
So thankful for the amazing people the fill my life. I feel so lucky to have such a great family and friends.
The northern lights were dancing on my way home. I love this beautiful life.

Monday/Friday

I had yesterday off, and I work today before a 4 day weekend. So much time!

Ran 3.31K today. Really proud of actually getting outside and running.

Oatmeal and yogurt for breakfast, feeling really positive and motivated to be healthy.

Fraud

A friend gave me a very nice compliment yesterday, about how it looked like my pants were looser and I must be losing weight. The sad truth is, these are new pants. They are the same size as my old fat pants, but they have pockets... so yay!
What is funny (?) to me, is this friend has a had a more than noticeable recent weight loss (60lbs I was informed by a mutual friend, from 1500 calories a day, and no gluten/wheat, plus running) and while I was really happy for her, I am also jealous.
I ran into another friend earlier in the week who has become a personal trainer and is looking fitter, and while we talked, all I could think was, she must think I look so... awful.
I have not been running as much and have a 10k in 3 weeks with my sister, the marathon runner. I don't know how to tell her I am not prepared.
The only plus side to this is I have been on the healthy train, pretty well since the beginning of the month. Small consolation, that the cookies I give up get me closer to my goal.