Woo-woo!

Healthy Train is pulling out of the station!

New Moon

This last year has been a big change for me personally. I have really struggled with my friendships. In my group of friends, it has always been my role to organize get togethers, parties, trips, which meant I controlled when, where, and who. Last year at this time I really resented being the one to organize. I thought if they cared, they would make the effort.
To an extent, this is true.
In early spring my Grandma celebrated her 90th birthday. I travelled to celebrate with her, and at her party it was just family. I asked her if she wanted to invite any friends. She said  they never called her, so she wasn't calling them. This was the exact sentiment I had been harbouring for months. My mom is also notorious for writing people off for a slight. This leads me to make other choices. People do disappoint. I do, as well. But friendship is work, and good friends are worth it. I thought, but why not call them? Life can be busy, and one has to make the effort, to get a response. I didn't want a future without friends.
In their own lives, my close friends were seeing big changes personally as well. By this I mean half of them joined a swingers club. Some were already a part of it. I am too conservative to not judge, but what people do behind closed doors is none of my business. The part I struggled most with was feeling like I didn't know people I had felt close to. I started to wonder if my friendships were simply superficial. I thought about how we became friends, and wondered if we still shared enough commonality. I also realized that organizing group activities meant that I wasn't having one on one conversations and building the bonds to maintain friendship. Seeing a large group is not the same as having a one on one conversation, and I realized I had let that slide. The distance I felt was real, but reparable.
My best friend and I have been unusually close (codependant) since high school. Her pursuit of a lifestyle I don't understand took a toll on our friendship. We used to not have any secrets. Then one of her new friends commented that our reliance on each other was weird. She relayed the message to me with the implication that she agreed. In an instant, 24 years of friendship was fractured. This festered to a fight. I decided to draw back. This is one of the hardest decisions of my life. I think I made the right choice, though, for both of us. Some boundries were needed.
We are still best friends, and I hope always will be.

Finding Fault

Mindset

I have found myself focusing too much on the negative. Thinking things and saying things that are hurtful, or pessimistic. I admire people who aren't afraid to speak their minds, but I have been guilty of confusing strength with rudeness. I need more positive focus. I'm not exactly sure what that means, yet, but like everyone, I am work in progress. Kindness can be confused for weakness, and an optimistic outlook is sometimes challenged as not being a realist. But I say bring on the rainbows and sunshine and unicorns. A sharp tongue only ever leads to regret, and that isn't how I want to feel at the end of the day. I want a positive outlook, and to surround myself with this.

Well, shit.

I have to ask myself, how did I get here?
How did I get to waking up an even bigger weight, my stomach churning, and bowels expelling, skin flaring, and a migraine forming. The question really is, how did I get here, again?
The hard part is, I know the answer.

I need to do better.

Shut up and drive

I have been struggling to find motivation over the summer, the task seeming too great, possibly not even achievable. My foot is still in pain, and if I'm the only who is affected by my weight, then what do I care, I'm just as happy either way.
But that is a lie. I'm not happy at this weight, it is a fat suit that I am trapped in, and it will kill me if I let it.
My head is back in the game now. It started the beginning of August, little inspirations and changes, and last week I started walking for excercise again. In September I'm going to swim, if not before. Because I am a mermaid, and I need to remember that.
A few days ago I saw a beautiful black luxury car. I'm not a car girl, but this was fancy. For a second I thought, I'd like to be the girl who rides shotgun in that car. It follows a daydream I have about bring picked up by a man like Greg Montgomery (Dharma and Greg)and going to the Symphony or other high class event. And then I looked at what I was wearing, how exactly I'd left the house, and I thought that I really need to put more effort in. Alot of effort in. Not just for a guy, although it would help to try, but to take care of myself first and foremost. To drive that luxury car, like that Cadillac CTS commercial with Kate Walsh. I know gearing up is going down a rabbit hole of vanity, and maybe I am not ever going to be a pretty girl, but I'm tired of being the supporting actress in my own movie.
It's time to get in the driver's seat.

Tough Girl

Just woke up from a dream where I was a badass. I mean, fit, and take no shit, Linda Hamilton in T2 arms, Clint Eastwood attitude, Vin Diesel/Jason Statham/action star prowess, powerful, strong, confident bordering on arrogant woman. Then I woke up in this soft, jelly, body, and felt such a dissonance, between who I am, and who I could be, if I took care of myself. I feel really motivated to become that version of myself. I want to feel that strength, physically and mentally, in myself.