Meme

Thanks to Fourleafclover who got this from Teeni

I am: an adult sitting in my childhood bedroom.
I think: I should be more accomplished by now.
I know: I am loved, but I never trust it.
I have: so much work to do.
I wish: for things beyond my control.
I hate: being fake.
I miss: my life and independence before.
I fear: Becoming someone I dont like.
I hear: the whir of the computer, my watch, and earlier, crickets. Loudly.
I smell: Shampoo from my just showered hair.
I crave: Affection.
I search: for true friendships.
I wonder: if my inner idealist will be crushed by reality.
I regret: less of what I have done and more of what I haven't
I love: My family, the one given and chosen.
I ache: but I try to ignore it.
I am not: who I aspire to be.
I believe: Moments are the most important.
I dance: in different forms.
I sing: because I love to.
I cry: when I hope no one sees/hears me.
I fight: against my own pettiness.
I win: when I can see positive.
I lose: when I say hurtful things.
I never: really forget.
I always: try to see the other side.
I confuse: how I think I should feel with how I do feel.
I listen: for the alterior motive.
I can usually be found: at home.
I am scared: of losing those close to me.
I need: very little really.
I am happy about: a moment in the future, but I'm working on here and now.
I imagine: more than I can write.

Alone but not lonely

I'm not pining for anyone in particular, which is not the norm for me. Just in the last year I've finally been able to embrace singledom as a good thing and not see it as a disease or failing. I'm interested in settling down, but not settling for less. I like me quite a bit, as is.

More Bridget Jones than Carrie Bradshaw

Have taken diary attitude towards blogging.
Most pressing thought of today is not being able to follow rather simple dietary guidelines. I just love sugar too much. I really dont want to have health problems in my old age that are related to how I took care of myself. Anything preventable, I want to prevent, like heart disease, diabetes, even osteoporosis. These thoughts freak me out. Winning beauty contests are just not enough incentive to get off the couch (computer) because I will never be a model. I dont want to work that hard to have the body of a 10 year old boy. I will work for my health though. This is not about caving to societal pressure of ideals, but maintaining my own fitness.
The part that sucks is my sister is a model. No one famous, outside of her own mind, but at 5'11 and 125'ish, it seems somehow unfair that we share a gene pool. That sounds really whiny.
Funny story about my sister. Once I joined Nutrisystem online and they had (may still have) a BMI type index of how much you "should" weigh for your height. I punched in my numbers at the time and it gave me the appropriately saddening response. My sister in an effort to join with me, put her numbers in. The response was that she did not need to lose and was on the very low end of acceptable. So to this she asks, "But how much would I need to lose if I were 5"7"?" I just laughed, and we still laugh about it.
I want the confidence that comes from feeling strong, agile and graceful. The last two may not be true, but I'm holding on to hope. I do not seek someone else's shallow praise, because I've set the bar for myself. I accept it willingly though.

Everyday

I have made a goal for myself to blog every day this month, just to see what rolls out. Forced creativity like a sketch group. Really not sure what to blog about.
Recently my bogging was attacked as being pretentious. Laughably pretentious actually. I am many things, but I didnt think that was one of them.
I've been watching first season Dharma and Greg since I found it at Costco for $10 (present for me). At the end of every episode in the credits the writer threw in some random thoughts referred to as Vanity Cards. This to me is the entire concept of a blog. Topics or focus vary, Mommy/Family, politics, weight/health, or creative writing, whatever. Lofty ideals aside, posting your thoughts on the internet is a Vanity Card, whether you are a celebrity obsessed no name in your parents basement or the Dali Lama - who, I think, does not have a blog. Anyway, it seems pretentious by its very nature. We're all narcissist, accept and grow with love.

Sept 1st

Made you look ;)

JM

Been listening to John Mayer again a bit. I may have lost you with that admission, but I stand behind it. His music makes me hopeful. Not in a I-want-him kinda way, though I do, and am not yet above stalking. I'll try to explain.
I'd been single for a long while, and bitterness was seeping in. I'd formed the opinion (mostly from reading online dating profiles, but lets not dwell) that biology was the only deciding factor. More specifically that men were callous, devoid of emotion, and only looking to hop in to bed with any willing body. That love and all its illusions, was a joke. A cold and lonely point of view. There was this song always playing, by this smug good looking guy about "you're body is a wonderland" and how he was really interested in it. I never really listened to it, because I was annoyed by a first glance assumed insinuation. Then there was this other song, "No Such Thing" that totally encapsulated how I felt after school and looking forward. I had heard "Why Georgia" on the radio, finally caught the name of the artist that was the same as NST and decided his would be my next album purchase. I bought the CD, opened it in my car and drove around to listen to it as is my custom. I remember driving downtown to do more shopping, and then just listening to the songs. Sitting in my car on Third, hearing this GUY say things that I had totally felt.
Now I know, cynics can trash that moment. But that doesnt change it for me. That was the first time in a long time that I felt like maybe there was more. And I started to see how closed off I'd become. When I really thought about it, I had guy friends who were not heartless, though I'd been looking at their actions as if they were. The songs really affected me. They fell in at exactly the right moment.
So now when I listen to JM, I'm listening for the guy who had me sitting in my car, waiting on the next line. Who can articulate the same emotion I feel. Or make me feel the emotion he's articulating. Beyond the hype and headlines, I always hear that guy.
I love that guy.

Idea stolen from possible new friend

So I haven't quite totally figured this out yet. And I'm not talking life in the general scope of things, but this bloggosphere exactly. I found a nice read and decided to steal an idea for my own. The original is here http://conundrumsaway.blogspot.com/

Here are my possible fall back careers, in no particular order;

Soap opera writer
Vigilante - Cool like Batman or the A-team, while still being crazy and outside the line
Organic Farmer
Amish convert - however I think it could be hard to get in.
Casting Director - although I'm sure I would play favorites and be vindictive.
Phone sex operator - I'm too prudish actually, but I've been told I have a voice for it.
Trophy Wife - although I fear that amount of plastic surgery
Mobster - although I'm sure to get whacked, I want the power!
Hotel front desk
Airline Stewardess - free travel, bouya!
Bank Manager
Insurance sales
All are jobs I can dress up for, unlike ones I have had until now.
OK, there's my list, hope you enjoyed it, now go make your own!