New Moon

This last year has been a big change for me personally. I have really struggled with my friendships. In my group of friends, it has always been my role to organize get togethers, parties, trips, which meant I controlled when, where, and who. Last year at this time I really resented being the one to organize. I thought if they cared, they would make the effort.
To an extent, this is true.
In early spring my Grandma celebrated her 90th birthday. I travelled to celebrate with her, and at her party it was just family. I asked her if she wanted to invite any friends. She said  they never called her, so she wasn't calling them. This was the exact sentiment I had been harbouring for months. My mom is also notorious for writing people off for a slight. This leads me to make other choices. People do disappoint. I do, as well. But friendship is work, and good friends are worth it. I thought, but why not call them? Life can be busy, and one has to make the effort, to get a response. I didn't want a future without friends.
In their own lives, my close friends were seeing big changes personally as well. By this I mean half of them joined a swingers club. Some were already a part of it. I am too conservative to not judge, but what people do behind closed doors is none of my business. The part I struggled most with was feeling like I didn't know people I had felt close to. I started to wonder if my friendships were simply superficial. I thought about how we became friends, and wondered if we still shared enough commonality. I also realized that organizing group activities meant that I wasn't having one on one conversations and building the bonds to maintain friendship. Seeing a large group is not the same as having a one on one conversation, and I realized I had let that slide. The distance I felt was real, but reparable.
My best friend and I have been unusually close (codependant) since high school. Her pursuit of a lifestyle I don't understand took a toll on our friendship. We used to not have any secrets. Then one of her new friends commented that our reliance on each other was weird. She relayed the message to me with the implication that she agreed. In an instant, 24 years of friendship was fractured. This festered to a fight. I decided to draw back. This is one of the hardest decisions of my life. I think I made the right choice, though, for both of us. Some boundries were needed.
We are still best friends, and I hope always will be.

Finding Fault

Mindset

I have found myself focusing too much on the negative. Thinking things and saying things that are hurtful, or pessimistic. I admire people who aren't afraid to speak their minds, but I have been guilty of confusing strength with rudeness. I need more positive focus. I'm not exactly sure what that means, yet, but like everyone, I am work in progress. Kindness can be confused for weakness, and an optimistic outlook is sometimes challenged as not being a realist. But I say bring on the rainbows and sunshine and unicorns. A sharp tongue only ever leads to regret, and that isn't how I want to feel at the end of the day. I want a positive outlook, and to surround myself with this.