Recently I decided to break from my life and come "home" for a bit. Family concerns were the biggest reason, but more on that maybe later. I am missing long talks with good friends and have turned to the internet to ramble at.
Right now as I sit in my childhood bedroom, I'm most concerned with what happens next. The emotions that have lead me to right here I would not take back. This present day situation is not the norm though. It's good, and also it's not where I was, which was good, and not where I plan to be, which I hope is good. I left this tiny isolated place 10 years ago for a career that I never really followed. I moved north, and though I wasn't raised there, I feel like its where I grew up. I embraced the values that define me while living there. I hope it is always a big part of me, and I cherish every friendship. I miss being there, but this is where I need to be, and I want something new for the future. I'm still looking for the place that feels like home.
Sunday, July 27, 2008
Monday, July 21, 2008
Thinky
I want to write more. I'm just never sure where to start. I have one thought, and then it jumbles into a million, all judged on the merit of how interesting they might be. Honestly, not that interesting. But maybe there are others out there with minds full and they can take a breather with my crazy for a while.
I'm not a good liar. This means I have to own every emotion. For a while I tried to just be honest all the time. Feelings were hurt, friendships were tested. I abhore being fake. Then I set my own comfort level between truth and others emotions. Are they being stupid, probably yes, will I tell them, probably yes. I never condone stupidity.
It took a long time for me to feel ok about talking about a friend in any context. I still fear being two faced in a high school, cliquey, immature bitch kinda way. But fake is a part of life. With aquaintances, certain coworkers, tellers, peripheral people, I'm not going to invest in building a strong friendship. I have made choices, in the friends that I keep, to surround myself with people who are not catty, gossipy or hurtful in friendship. I want any friend of mine to be able to hear me talking about them, and have it be positive whether I know they are listening or not. Conversations will inevitably involve stories from my life and friends are a part of my life. Fun times, arguments, and concerns are reality. Confiding emotion is necessary. The tone dictates the intent, and respect is the bottom line.
The slow building layers of a friendship can be tricky. But if you dont put yourself out there, trust never fosters. And you end up a hermit.
I'm not a good liar. This means I have to own every emotion. For a while I tried to just be honest all the time. Feelings were hurt, friendships were tested. I abhore being fake. Then I set my own comfort level between truth and others emotions. Are they being stupid, probably yes, will I tell them, probably yes. I never condone stupidity.
It took a long time for me to feel ok about talking about a friend in any context. I still fear being two faced in a high school, cliquey, immature bitch kinda way. But fake is a part of life. With aquaintances, certain coworkers, tellers, peripheral people, I'm not going to invest in building a strong friendship. I have made choices, in the friends that I keep, to surround myself with people who are not catty, gossipy or hurtful in friendship. I want any friend of mine to be able to hear me talking about them, and have it be positive whether I know they are listening or not. Conversations will inevitably involve stories from my life and friends are a part of my life. Fun times, arguments, and concerns are reality. Confiding emotion is necessary. The tone dictates the intent, and respect is the bottom line.
The slow building layers of a friendship can be tricky. But if you dont put yourself out there, trust never fosters. And you end up a hermit.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)